Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Perspectives of Men – Texas is the Manliest (Again)

Just when you thought the Manliest State Battle Royale was over, Texas has come back for more. I’ve often heard everything is bigger in Texas, so it only makes sense that Texas gets two posts to prove its manliness. Today’s guest post is from Jason Boyett, who is no stranger to writing, this week is the official release week for his new book, O Me of Little Faith: True Confessions of a Spiritual Weakling. Jason also has an impressive manly bio which includes, but is not limited to: being a triathlete, being able to rock out on the drums, and being featured on the History Channel and the National Geographic Channel. Also, he also has a striking resemblance to Bob from NBC’s Biggest Loser. Now lets see what Jason has to say about Texas.

So as a lifelong resident of Texas, and a man, I've been asked by Dr. Awesome to justify, defend, and otherwise prove that the Lone Star state is the manliest in the Union. Seems like sort of a waste of time if you ask me. Does anyone ask Heidi Klum to explain why she's beautiful? No, because the evidence is pretty clear. If you need facts to convince you of the obvious, then I don't understand you.

But anyway, I'll indulge the manly readers of this blog by playing the game. The last guy who tried to defend Texas must have originally been from Delaware or something, because all he could do is point out the flaws of other states. That lack of self-confidence is so totally unTexan that I am embarrassed for him. Heidi Klum doesn't need to make fun of ugly women so she'll appear more beautiful, and Texas doesn't need to make fun of the other states so we'll come across as manlier. We're bigger than that.
Lots bigger.

Let's briefly consider the Doc Awesome state scorecard.

1. State Flag manliness: Minimalist and confident. Red, white & blue plus one big honking star. You need more than that, like a bear, beaver, eagle, bison, deer or a pelican? Only if you're overcompensating for something.

2. State Bird: Mockingbird. No, it's not a raptor. It doesn't kill small mammals and it won't peck your eye out. But there's a mockingbird that lives in my alley that can approximate the sound of a growling Harley Davidson. I am not lying. Your bird may have claws. Ours has talent and a keen ear for the sounds of manliness.

3. Professional Sports Teams. Apparently I need to do some research to find out how many of the Dallas Cowboys have been disrespectful to women or how many Texas Rangers have taken performance-enhancing drugs. But I don't have time for to do the math. You know how confident I am in the manliness of Texas? I don't even care about this category.

4. College teams. Ditto. Look, there are lots of good sports teams in Texas, because there are lots of big colleges in Texas. We have Longhorns, Horned Toads, and Red Raiders. We have coaches with cool, powerful, manly names like Mac and Spike and Bobby Knight. We do not have any Lane Kiffins, whatever those are.

5. Hunting/fishing/outdoor activities. Um, yes. Look, most pastors around here -- Jesus-following men of God -- disappear on the first weekend of deer season. Texas women drive F-150s with gun racks. I see Browning decals on the backs of pink Barbie bicycles. On Mondays, kindergarten show-and-tell usually involves pictures of the wild boar the kid shot on Sunday.

6. Unique foods. Jalapenos are a food group in Texas. Chili is a beverage. Barbecue is a lifestyle choice. Assign points as necessary.

7. Badical men. I could list guys like Dwight Eisenhower, the boxer Jack Johnson, Sam Houston, Davy Crockett, Stevie Ray Vaughan, or Tommy Lee Jones. But instead I'll just reduce it to a list of one: Walker, Texas Ranger. You might have heard of his other name: Chuck Norris. He is a man.

8. Naval Vessels. The first USS Texas fought in the Civil War. There have been two others. Blah, blah, blah. Every state has battleships, right? This category is debatable.

9. Neighborhood. Arkansas, Louisiana, New Mexico, Oklahoma, Old Mexico. Seriously. I had you at Arkansas, right?

10. Miscellaneousness. Here's where it gets interesting. Let me drop some knowledge.

• There are 15 different kinds of rattlesnakes in Texas.

• The privately owned King Ranch in south Texas is bigger than Rhode Island. Unless you live in Rhode Island, that's hilarious.

• The first American journalist to interview the Rolling Stones was a guy named John Morthland in 1964. He was from Austin. And I should probably mention that he was a high school junior writing for his school paper. Manly? Yup.

• Our state mascot is the native Texas Horned Toad which shoots blood from its eyes. SHOOTS. BLOOD. FROM ITS EYES.

• I submit to you two names and a book title: Larry McMurtry and Lonesome Dove, and I rest my case.

Postcript: It's a little known fact that Larry McMurtry also shoots blood from his eyes.

It seems you other states need to step it up if want to compete with Texas, so bring it. Also, don't forget to check out O Me of Little Faith, it’s pretty manly to confess your doubts and tackle them head on, not to mention publicize them for the world to see. Plus, if you don’t buy it, Jason may shoot you. With blood. From his eyes.

4 comments:

brian May 4, 2010 at 1:50 PM  

Overall, well done sir.

One thing - you did neglect to mention Texas A&M - the first higher learning institution in Texas, built for training men to lead our nation's military forces and educate engineers to build cool stuff since 1876. Doesn't get much more manly than that. *(:

佩政 May 15, 2010 at 2:08 AM  

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Jeannette May 17, 2010 at 4:20 PM  

Well...Texas is very attractive except for heat beyond belief and those 15 kinds of rattlesnakes, and nerve paralyzing coral snakes and other slithering sneaks. I did live in San Antonio long ago briefly and found the people most kind. And I will tell you that my best most favorite dog ever (RIP) and my dear husband were both born in Texas...so the state has been good to me. I am, however, a native daughter of a state way out west that needs to pick itself up and remember some of its former glory.
Oh, and by the way, I have this idea that ultimate manliness, manliestness? probably doesn't beed to prove itself but it sure makes for a fun post.

Kevin (MAYBE Steph) May 24, 2010 at 10:05 AM  

OK, Texas, this is harsh, but the truth hurts.

Texans are so proud of the fact that they were once their own country. Why were you your own country? BECAUSE CONGRESS REJECTED YOU! That's right. You applied for statehood, and the US said 'No. We don't want you.' Obviously, we eventually took pity on you after you begged several more times to be let into the awesomeness club that is America because you were scared of General Santa Anna, a dude who was part jolly present giver and part girl and was crazy enough to have an elaborate funeral ceremony for his amputated leg. But everything about Texas can hence be explained by the inferiority complex still suffered by Texans to this day by this rejection (Their obnoxious motto, their arrogant flag, the fact that they didn’t have the respect and humility to make their capital building smaller than the U.S. capital building LIKE EVERY OTHER STATE IN THE UNION HAS, etc.). It is all overcompensation for their lingering insecurities, as they try to pretend that the U.S. rejecting them, like a nice boy rejects scandalous hussies for prom, never happened.
So here are some unmanly points for Texas:
1. The Flag: Again, you’re overcompensating. That star practically screams insecurity. It also tells me that Texans aren’t very intelligent since the only symbolism isn’t very creative, and you don’t have any Latin like many of the more sophisticated states do.
2. Guess what state also has the Mockingbird as their state bird? Florida. Guess what state was admitted into the Union a mere nine months before Texas? Florida. You draw your own conclusions.
3. Sport Teams. This point is too subjective. But the Cowpies are one of my least favorite teams.
4. College Teams. See above.
5. The outdoors stuff: Yeah. Because no other state steps outside right? And as for you Texans with your gun racks in your trucks…that’s like the Pharisees praying loudly in front of everyone so everyone would recognize their holiness. It is all arrogance and pride (and in Texas’ case, again, overcompensation). I keep my guns under my bed. I don’t need to display my guns to be ‘man’.
6. All your neighboring states have the same points as you for BBQ. Furthermore, the only food claim to fame you have is Tex-Mex, which is essentially a theft and bastardization of Mexican food. So not only are you a state bird stealer, but a food style stealer.
7. I’m not gonna argue, some manly men came from Texas. But John Calvin was French. What does that tell you? Flukes happen. Besides, what badical dude did Texas fail to protect? JFK ring a bell? Oh, and most historians think that Davy Crockett made up most of the stories he told about himself. There is also reason to believe that he was one of the few Americans that surrendered, rather than fighting to the death, at The Alamo.
8. I’m not even sure what point you’re trying to make here. Are you saying, in effect, that being surrounded by men that have more hair product than Tina Turner as they sport the mullet and think that having 50% of your teeth is something of an accomplishment, makes your relatively minor flaw of overcompensating manly by comparison? Because it doesn’t.
9. The ‘knowledge’:
a. In what way does having lots of rattlesnakes make you more manly?
b. Just like your food, you stole your land from Mexico.
c. Since when were the Rolling Stones manly? Did you not see their Super Bowl performance?
d. Ok…the blood from the eyes thing is pretty cool.
e. Larry McMurtry. I’ve heard of him. Where have I heard that name before? Oh yeah! He wrote the screenplay for BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN! This is infinite unmanly points. Texas is immediately disqualified from the most manly state running, and must have a pink tutu affixed to their flag.

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