Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Perspectives of Men: Texas is the Manliest State

Today's entry in this series comes to us from someone identifying himself as Texas Red. He manages to have something negative to say about every single state. I'll let Texas Red take it from here.

So I've read all the arguments from you losers in Alabama, Michigan, and California. You are all dumb. Texas is far and away the manliest state. We have the best BBQ, we have the best women, we have the best motto (Don't Mess With Texas!), we are the biggest (Alaska doesn't count since the whole state is a frozen zoo), we used to be our own freaking country. Every other state is turds compared to the awesomeness of Texas. I will prove it to you, alphabetically:

Alabama - The only thing you are known for is that Lynrd Skynrd song, which isn't even that good. "Sweet Home" more like "Sweet Pansy Boys". Not manly.
Alaska - Frozen zoo, like I mentioned. Just because you have moose running around it doesn't make you manly. Call me when the Eskimos do something besides building ice caves.
Arizona - More like Ari-boring. The Grand Canyon is nice though, I'll give you that. Still, dry and boring.
Arkansas - It is not manly to take another state and just put a couple letters in front of it. You guys are Arcopycats.
California - That ObiWanKenobi guy said it best, land of fruits and nuts. Your greatest contribution to the world is Scientology. Thanks for nothing, losers.
Colorado - Mountains are manly, but when have you ever heard of attractive Colorado women? Never.
Connecticut - No state with a silent C in the middle is manly. Connecticrap.
Delaware - Who? Exactly.
Florida - This is a pretty manly state, except it is just a northern province of Cuba.
Georgia - You know what is on my mind, Georgia? How much you suck. Paula Deen is annoying.
Hawaii - Aloha is one of those words that means a lot of things - hello, goodbye, what's up, we are d-bags.
Idaho - You da suck.
Illinois - The Cubs are terrible.
Indiana - Peyton Manning chokes way too often for this to be a manly state.
Iowa - I really can't think of a single good or bad thing to say about Iowa - irrelevance is not manly.
Kansas - You shouldn't have let Arkansas Arsteal your Arname.
Kentucky - You get points for making Louisville Sluggers, but lose points for allowing men to wear stupid suits while betting on horse races.
Louisiana - Reggie Bush is vastly overrated, and you encourage voodoo and debauchery.
Maine - State slogan: "might as well be Canada" Not manly.
Maryland - more like Fairyland.
Massachusetts - Cheers was a good show, but your accent bothers me.
Michigan - You inflicted the world with Kid Rock. Need I say more?
Minnesota - Your state flower is the Lady Slipper. And who cares how many thousands of lakes you have?
Mississippi - You rank 50th in every statistical category out there. When Alabama makes jokes about you, you have a problem.
Missouri - The Show Me state has a big pointless arch and not much else. Changing your name to Misterouri would help.
Montana - You have an international border, but here in Texas we deal with Mexican drug lords. You deal with Canadian drug prescriptions.
Nebraska - You guys can husk some corn, and the triple option used to be pretty manly, but these days you don't matter.
Nevada - Two words: Siegfried. Roy.
New Hampshire - Yet another state that contributes pretty much nothing to the world.
New Jersey - Here is a state whose B.O. is sniffable from as far away as Milwaukee. Take a shower.
New Mexico - All the boringness of Arizona, without the Grand Canyon.
New York - Greed is bad, Wall St. And Broadway...geez.
North Carolina - Congrats to Duke, but all the rest of your teams are terrible.
North Dakota - If North Dakota and South Dakota had a child, it would be Dakota Fanning. She is not manly.
Ohio - Points for having the Rock Hall of Fame, negative points for having Ohio St, who goes undefeated every year and then gets punked in the BCS.
Oklahoma - Texas Jr. Might be manly if they didn't suck so bad.
Oregon - The Mighty Ducks were pretty good as far as hockey teams coached by Emilio Estevez, but pretty pansified as far as collegiate teams who want my respect.
Pennsylvania - home of Dwight Schrute and Rocky, but one time I had a Philly Cheesesteak in Philadelphia and it was terrible. You'd think if they name a sandwich after you, it would be good there.
Rhode Island - If Texas is the Bull Mastiff of states, Rhode Island is a gnat on the gnads of a chihuahua.
South Carolina - North Carolina's annoying kid sister.
South Dakota - See North Dakota.
Tennessee - Three words: Kenny Freaking Chesney.
Utah - I'm just not down with polygamy.
Vermont - Verwhocares.
Virginia - Virginia is for lovers. Texas is for lovers, fighters, winners, and for people better than Virginians.
Washington - They just named themselves after a President who had never even been there. If you're just naming yourself after random people, why not name your state Chuck Norris?
West Virginia - Independent enough that they told Virginia to shove it. But they lost a great opportunity to pick a cool name. If their state flag had a picture of somebody flipping off the Virginia flag, they would be manly.
Wisconsin - A little too obsessed with cheese.
Wyoming - Would be manly if more people lived there. No man is an island.

So as you can see, every other state is a big box of feces. By process of elimination, that leaves Texas. And Texas has lots of positive qualities too. So all other states can bow before the manliness of Texas. The end.


Bennett April 6, 2010 at 3:52 PM  

Knew this was coming. Give us a break. This post is the best argument that Texas is the worst state. It might be manly, but only in a dusty, oily, egotistical, macho-maniacal, kind of way.

The idea of Texas may be manly, but I've been there. This is a state of males pretending to be men. Its like if Disney world had "Manly Land" right next to Epcot. What could be less manly than having to go around telling the world how great you are? That is every Texan I've ever met.

Also, Communism is not good, TexasRED. I know, because I watched Red Dawn.

Jana April 6, 2010 at 3:55 PM  

Making fun of people is not manly. Did Jesus Christ make fun of people? No.

Also, if you cut Alaska in half, Texas would be the third largest state.

Texas Red April 6, 2010 at 4:02 PM  

You knew this was coming because you knew Texas was the best. It's true that there are a lot of poser-types here, but that's just because we have more and better of everything. Don't hate on us because we rule.

And Jana, Jesus called Herod a fox and called the pharisees a brood of vipers.

Anonymous April 6, 2010 at 4:27 PM  

There is humor and there is tacky and this is the latter. I am surprised Dr. Awesome let something like this on a Christian site.

Jana April 6, 2010 at 4:29 PM  

That is true, but he was in a unique position to judge, being the Judge and all. Also, I do not think that Maryland, say, deserves the same sort of censure as the man who caused the death of our Lord.

The more you need to say how awesome you are, especially by illustrating how others are not as good as you, the less awesome you actually are. By this measure, Texas is -50 awesome!

Dr Awesome April 6, 2010 at 4:35 PM  

Hey Anonymous, if you have some criticism to offer, you could at least leave your name.

You are right, this is a little closer to the line of good taste than I usually walk, but I let it go because it's not mean-spirited. Texas Red assured me that he was just joking. As a resident of one of the slandered states, I wasn't offended. If I get a lot of negative feedback I'll consider taking it down. In the meantime, I'll let him defend himself.

brian April 6, 2010 at 7:20 PM  

I was expecting and looking forward to the Texas post as well.

And frankly I was hoping for pretty much the opposite of this. Surely we could have come up with 49 solid reasons why Texas is the best without just posting silly jabs at other states.

Also: Bennett if that's your impression of Texans, you should meet a few more. Nearly all I know love the state but certainly are not egotistical "pretenders". The problem with being as massive as Texas is with as many people as it has means the normal percentage of dorks that there are everywhere just means there's more dorks than other less populated places.

And the upside is the corollary to that point - we have a huge pile of really awesome people as well.

Texas Red April 6, 2010 at 9:10 PM  

I was just kidding around everybody. I guess I'm not quite Dr. Awesome material. Sorry for being offensive. Texas is still the best though.

Mike April 6, 2010 at 11:48 PM  

I'll admit Texas is pretty cool... but I can't take it as the manliest state because of the whole cowboy thing... I mean, why are they cow boys? Why not cow men? You could have made the shortest ever post and just said something like this...

Texas: Texas Walker Ranger. Alamo. Longhorns. 'nuff said.

Cal April 7, 2010 at 1:52 AM  

Here's a negative for Texas: The Alamo, probably the most manly thing that ever happened in Texas, wasn't even an invasion like you made it sound like. You went out and planted an outpost 7 miles into Mexico, and called it an invasion when they attacked you. So now you've just wasted the lives of manliest men in Texas over something that wasn't even yours to begin with. I'd say that's a whole lot worse that some of the stuff you put up for the other states.

Just keeping you accountable.


Cal from California

natedavidscott April 7, 2010 at 8:03 AM  

When proving your state is the manliest, why not use examples of the state rather than comparing it to other apparently such unmanly state. So what you're telling me Texas isn't really all that manly. It is just less pany-ish than all the pansy states.
I always thought Texas was manly, but when you can't come up with a better insult that "you're state is stupid" I loose some respect.
I think this post needs to go and a better representative of Texas be given a chance.

Dusty April 7, 2010 at 1:28 PM  

If I ever name a state, you can bet it will be called the great state of Chuck Norris.

Dusty April 7, 2010 at 1:32 PM  

Also, give Texas Red some slack. I laughed my butt off and I'm not from Texas. I could tell is was a joke. Those that couldn't should re-read it with that in mind.

Brian April 7, 2010 at 6:23 PM  

There's nothing "Mighty" about the Oregon Ducks, nominal or otherwise.

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