Friday, April 2, 2010

Perspectives of Men - Michigan is the Manliest State

In our next guest post, Mike Miller (probably not the NBA player) (but maybe?) responds to the slandering of Michigan and the exaltation of Alabama. I'm liking the way this is turning out, with people stepping up to defend their states. If you've got some thoughts as to why your state is the best, email me and I'll post them. I'd like to get a representative from all 50 states. Other countries can apply to. On to Mike's Perspective of Men.

Dear Mr. Farmer,

Put down your glass of sweet tea and pay attention, you climbed into this cage match, so let’s tango. Then again, I don’t tango; ballroom dancing is for sissies with fake European accents who like to wear tights. If you want to tango, you’ll have to find another partner, probably one from Alabama. There’s just nothing manly about ballroom dancing of any sort, even the foxtrot is for pansies, you can’t make exceptions just because a ferocious animal is in the name of the dance. And, now that I think about it, foxes aren’t even all that ferocious… they’re not known for their fighting skills, like the wolf, they’re known for being very clever about running away. Plus, they’re red, they don’t even blend into their surroundings. And who hunts for fox, anyway? Royalty? Now we’re back to the European accents and the ball room dancing. Of course, foxes are found in Alabama, so we’re not really off point here, are we? Of course the fox is not the fiercest animal in Alabama, you guys do have alligators. Then again, foxes are made into furs for women, and alligators are made into purses. In Michigan we hunt moose and bear. We don’t make moose into purses, we make moose chili; and there’s no dance called the beartrot, it’s just doesn’t work. Point: Michigan.

But we’re just getting started, my agricultural friend, so hold on to your Snuggie. That’s right, I knew you were drinking sweet tea while cuddled up in a Snuggie. I didn’t even have to employ my ninja skills to infiltrate your farmhouse to know that you’re in a Snuggie, using dial up, and listening to Hank Williams. Snuggies are for effeminate men who can’t handle the cold. That’s right, the cold. Your uninformed argument against weather contributing to the manliness of a state is misaligned. Farming is easy when you don’t have to melt an iceberg to water your crop. All states south of the Mason-Dixon line have an automatic deduction in manliness points. That’s why Mickey hangs out in Florida. California is a whole different story, but I think we can all agree that it was never in the running for manly anything, even with the Terminator at the helm. You have to be manly to live in a state where crews of high school students are hired every winter to dig the stop signs out of the snow. Do you even know what an ice shanty is?

You brought the aesthetic argument in with the whole state flag point. Frankly, I have to give you this one. X-men, X-wings, and all of the x-shaped throwing stars in the old school ninja video games prove your point. However, if you’re going to play the ‘looks’ card, we should be talking about the shape of the state itself. Alabama looks like the holding tank for your typical toilet while Michigan looks like a hand. I’ve heard of hand-to-hand combat, but toilet-to-toilet combat is not yet an invented fighting technique. And even if it was, I’d take the Michigan UAW over the Alabama Farmers Union any day, and especially Taco Tuesday. If the United States wanted to give Canada a fist bump, or slap a terrorist state upside the head, it would need the Michigan hand to do it.

You brought in sports, which was an error equal to the Emperor turning his back on Darth. The University of Michigan is one of the oldest football programs in the United States, and it has more wins than any football team on the planet. And, sure, the Detroit Lions are pretty sad, but Michigan has the Red Wings, Pistons, and Tigers, while the ONLY professional team in all of Alabama is the Tennessee Valley Tigers, a girls football team that uses another state in its name. Enough said.

In short, there is no refuting that Michigan is the manliest state in the union. And if there were an argument to be made, it certainly wouldn’t come from Alabama. Yeah, Michigan is the ‘Winter Wonderland’, but that’s a reference to the wonderstruck visitors permitted to cross our international border. Come visit sometime, but leave your Snuggie at home; and if you plan on doing a foxtrot you’d better wear Kevlar, that kind of stuff just doesn’t go down in my home state.



Doug April 2, 2010 at 12:18 PM  

Well done Mike! I do have to agree with Farmer’s assessment that Oklahoma is the manliest state due to the fact it is the birthplace of Chuck Norris. But when I think of other manly states, Montana, Alaska, Michigan, parts of Colorado…. Alabama is way, way down the list. Yes, their college football team won a championship. But explain to me what a crimson tide is? Isn’t it some type of toxic algae bloom that kills fish. And does Alabama have a team in the basketball Final Four? (Go Spartans!)
I believe the underlying problem here is water envy. When most states think of Michigan they are instantly jealous because we have so much water. They dam up rivers to make these huge reservoirs because they don’t have their own Great Lake. And where is Michigan but surrounded by many great lakes. So don’t hate Michigan just because Alabama doesn’t have many places to fish or because watching a sunset over a cotton field with those southern girls of yours isn’t quite as pleasant as watching it over a massive body of water. Put your envy aside, and admit Michigan is a manly state.

Adam April 2, 2010 at 4:02 PM  

Some very very good points there Mike! I would have to agree that Michigan is in the top 3 or 4 manliest states on my list. I would have to say Alaska is up there at the top and then maybe Montana, Michigan and Arizona.

Bennett April 5, 2010 at 12:17 PM  

I'm afraid there is a lack of perspective.

I've lived in Mississippi most of my life, but the last three years I've lived in Idaho 100 miles from Canada, where I have survived two of the worst winters on record. There's no way an Alabamian can understand the manliness it takes to survive a winter where the snow lasts more the 5 hours at a time. (Well, except that there are widow ladies from California in our church who make it fine each year, but that is the power of the snowblower and the hired hand.)

Also, I'm not sure a MichiGANDER can understand what a Southern Summer is like. I know it gets hot in Michigan and all, but in the gulf states Summer is like a relentless death march through a steaming swamp that lasts from mid-April to around Thanksgiving.

But again, women seem to make it just fine in the south as well. So I'd say the weather is a toss-up. I noticed one commenter suggested Arizona as a manly state. I'm confused by this because there are a lot of old people who retire here. The ones who cannot take it here go to Arizona where life is easier. So, I would need a lot more proof for AZ.

HOWEVER, I think I know what might break the deadlock. Women. The best way to tell the manliness of an area is by the quality of their women. Right? So, let's hear about who has the best women.

Mike April 5, 2010 at 12:47 PM  

Good thoughts, Bennett, but I wouldn't say summers in the south are much worse than in MI. I was a lumberjack in the western U.P. of Michigan for a summer. The heat may not have hit 100, but the humidity sucked, the mosquitos were large enough to carry off small children, and there are three packs of wolf in Gogebic County.

Tuiny April 5, 2010 at 8:51 PM  

MIKE!!! You're the man! Well said, well said indeed. I wish you would have carried a bit, but I admire your ability to show restraint mercy to your verbal dualist. Kudos to you sir.

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