Thursday, April 1, 2010

Perspectives of Men - Alabama is the Manliest State

You might remember from way back in days of yore last week when I asked for guest posts. Here is the first in the Perpsectives of Men series, from a guy identifying himself as "The Farmer." He's here to talk about why he thinks Alabama is the manliest state, and also apparently to pick a fight with one of my readers. Mike, I need to apologize in advance to you...I shouldn't have mentioned your question when The Farmer brought up the idea for this topic, because he went a little crazy. Note that the views expressed here may or may not be the views of Dr Awesome. If you would like to say why your state or country is the manliest, feel free to send me a guest post. Here's The Farmer.


What an honor it is to be here posting on the manswers blog! Dr Awesome and I emailed back and forth about what a good topic would be for me, and we decided it would get some good discussion going if I talked about what the manliest state is. He said he’s gotten questions like that before, including one recently from a guy named Mike Miller who thinks Michigan is the manliest state. That is crazy. Today I’m going to convince Mike Miller and everyone else that Alabama is far greater than Michigan and all other states as well.

But before I go any further, I had no idea that Dr Awesome was being read by NBA stars. I assume Mike Miller is the Mike Miller of Washington Wizards right? The white, tattooed, 3-point specialist with such long hair that a girl hair band must be worn during games? Not that being white or having tattoos are grounds for being unmanly, but being a 3-point specialist with girly hair that slightly curls and using hair products such as a hair band is pretty girly. Shooting 3-pointers is the equivalent of Chuck Norris throwing a hand grenade into a fight. We all know Chuck never even considered that option because what manly man would stand outside the fight arena and not get face to face with his opponent/enemy to issue a round house kick to the face? Or in Mike’s case, what beast of a manly NBA player would be afraid to drive to the hole with the chance of administering a full out charge on the weakling trying to stop you? A manly NBA player is never afraid to get his nose bloody. He understands that blood is a man’s “make-up”. Tell me, who is considered more manly: Shaq or JJ Redick – enough said.

But as much as I respect Dr Awesome and who he hangs out with, I suspect you aren’t the NBA Mike Miller, but just some random Mike Miller who believes cold weather is enough to make a state manly. I disagree. A quick answer to the “what is the manliest state” question is that all manly states fall in line behind Oklahoma – the birthplace of Chuck Norris. I think most of us would agree with this statement, so we need to move onto the real question of who is the #2 manliest state?

To figure this out we must ask ourselves what are the criteria for being a manly state. Well let’s start first with some state symbols. Flags will tell you a lot about a state. To find a manly state you don’t look for a pretty flag but a flag that is simple and didn’t take much time to make. The men of the state were off fighting, farming, foresting, etc and the women were too busy sewing up bullet holes, hemming coveralls, or washing a sap infested/chain saw torn shirt. So you see, there would not be much time to create some pretty and colorful flag. You grab a white cloth and throw the second easiest thing to draw in the world (a single line would be the easiest to draw), an X, on it and then get back to building your fort. And that is exactly what Alabama did. Heck an X is a pure symbol of being manly. An X marks the spot to shoot, can mark the spot of which tree to cut down, of which woman to marry, and in Alabama’s case, marks the place of a manly state. Heck what Alabama was truly saying was “This X marks the state of men, COME GET YOU SOME”. Now let’s take a flag that screams "I was made on the HGTV show Divine Design." Michigan’s flag has two deer looking animals holding up an emblem on a pretty blue background. Blood doesn’t show up on blue like it does white. Can you imagine how many designs were gone through before getting to the two deer? A negative point is awarded to Michigan. To be fair, let me throw some other flags under the bus filled with manly men. Florida, is a tricky one. They knew a good flag when they saw Alabama’s flag. So good job but then they tried to make us out like dummies and tried to make it look like they didn’t copy Alabama by putting a Florida seal on the red X. Good try but try again. Then you have state flags that actually put the state’s name on them such as Kansas, Iowa, California, etc. If a state has to put their name on the flag so people will know who they are, it is clear that no respect is given to them. They might as well put Wish Bear the Care Bear on their flag because they are just wishing they were a manly state. To be truthful, I think all flags stink in comparison to the simple Alabama flag so let’s give a point to Alabama.

Now we’ll move on to the state bird. We will leave out the state flower because let’s face it, there are no manly flowers. Unless we find a flower that has camouflaged parts, then all flowers fall into the girl category. No man, well let me rephrase, no manly man cares what the state flower is. So which states have manly birds as their symbols? Well right off the bat you see Alabama, not only because it is first alphabetically in the list of states but also because of Yellowhammer. Any bird with hammer associated with its name must be able to bring some pain and possibly help build some houses. So right off the bat we have a bird that is both deadly and a handy man. Arizona has the Cactus Wren which any bird that can be associated with cacti is a tuff little bird. Michigan has the Robin…wait that is not a bird but a woman’s name. So Michigan just got deducted a point for not only have a weak bird but causing confusion to some who make think the state bird is their Aunt Robin. The Cardinal is a fierce bird but several states have that bird as their symbol. No manly state would be a copy cat, or even own a cat for that matter. Nevada has the Mountain Bluebird. Just the name makes it sound manly. So several states get a manly point here including Alabama again.

Next let’s focus on the “state” sport. Michigan does have hockey. Even though it is not the most popular sport in America, no one can argue the toughness that is needed to endure a flying puck being shot at your face or the massive blind side hits that you may take. Heck weapons are even allowed in this sport. And let’s not forget that fighting is not only allowed, but invoked and cheered on. The one negative is that ice skates are worn and while ice skates in general are not girly, the popularity of figure skating really doesn’t help. But yes, a bunch of toothless men hitting each other with wooden weapon can be considered a very manly sport even if they wear ice skates. Hockey definitely gets a man point here. However, another manly sport and arguably the most popular sport is what we Americans call football and what southerners call SEC Football!! So with SEC winning the past four BCS titles and with Alabama currently being crowned National Champs, I think clearly Alabama gets a manly point and wins again by being the state with the manliest sport. Michigan isn’t that far behind, but the Big 10 will always be inferior to the SEC.

Next is what kind of occupations make up a state. Sure Michigan is Ford Central but who is to say Ford is manly? Is Mike Rowe really the best spokesman for the job? Sure Mike Rowe has a manly voice and a fairly ripped body, but he doesn’t have any other manly characteristics. Sure he likes to get dirty and check out different jobs but that is the point, he only checks them out. About 45 minutes into the show he has had enough and you then see him begging for people to email dirty job possibilities to him so he can keep his show going. He is essentially begging and depending on others for a job. Yeah that is a real manly characteristic. How about going out and finding dirty jobs yourself. There is an idea. I choose to follow Howie Long and drive a Chevy. He has proven his manly hood by being a NFL Hall of Famer. Wait, Chevy is in Michigan too so that doesn’t help my point. Forget what I just said. But let’s look at Alabama, where we have NASA. Heard of it? We build their rockets. We are the silicon valley of engineering. We harvest chickens and cattle. We put seeds in the ground and watch our food grow. Well let me go back, this is not solely Alabama. Mississippi, Georgia, South Carolina also grow their food. To be honest I believe California is the national leader for agriculture, but I think the brilliant minds who conduct these agriculture polls can’t discern the difference between growing manly corn, green beans, and cabbage, and growing pot and raising puny teenage boy actors. Bottom line, Alabama probably grows more food than Michigan.

What does Michigan have going for it then? Well, it’s cold, but so what? Cold weather doesn’t equal manly, it equals a winter wonderland. Yeah real manly there, do you also hear sleigh bells jingling year round? Go tell a young lady that you live in a Christmas carol and see what she says. If I had my guess she will probably ask you if you want to make cute snow angels with her. So while Michigan men are dusting the snow off their backs and comparing who made the prettiest snow angel, Alabama men are winning national championships and making out with hot southern women. They are out planting the soil with good old fashion man sweat and blood. They are literally grabbing bulls by the horns and living life. So clearly I have disproven the theory of Michigan being the manliest state and in the process thrown Alabama in the ring for being the manliest. I could go on for days, but I'm a guest here and I don't want to overstay my welcome. Yay Alabama, Boo everywhere else.

The Farmer

6 comments:

Anonymous April 1, 2010 at 3:55 PM  

Gee! You sure do bark a lot!

Dr Awesome April 1, 2010 at 4:02 PM  

I haven't the foggiest idea what that even means.

mat April 1, 2010 at 9:48 PM  

After reading this post I couldn't help but leave a comment, and not because Mike happens to be my brother, but because I truly believe that Michigan is clearly the manliest state, besides maybe Alaska.

You've already touched on the first point for me when you mentioned the Red Wings. Not only do they beat people with sticks, but they have won 10 championships and each player grows their own facial mane of glory each year during the playoffs. Plus how many professional teams are from Alabama I know you've got a women's football team...

Next there's lumberjacks which my brother can tell you from first hand experience there isn't much that can be considered more manly than lumberjacking. How many trees have you cut down with your hands?

We also have Michigan's Upper Peninsula, which is essentially a giant untamed piece of land that's home to some of the best hunting grounds in the country. Per the DNR website in 2002 Michigan had over 865000 registered hunters and that number is still constant today. So we have 865000 people with registered weapons for hunting - now just add all of the people with weapons not used for hunting and all of the unregistered weapons owned in Metro Detroit and you'll easily have 2 - 2.5 million weapons in the state at any given time. It takes a man's courage to visit this state, let alone thrive here.

You did mention the Michigan winters, but you mentioned it from the perspective of a "man" who doesn't understand what real winter is - we don't close down businesses and schools for a piddly inch or two of snow, we get dumped with multiple feet of snow and still have to drive to work in the morning. It takes a real man to start the day by walking outside in the freezing cold so he can perform manual labor before even getting ready for work.

Adam April 2, 2010 at 3:59 PM  

I have to say that Alabama is pretty far down my list when I think of manly states! Not even in my top 10. Nice try though...you get a 1/4 point for even trying to convince yourself that Alabama is second to OK.

Bennett April 5, 2010 at 11:55 AM  

Hmm some good points all around. I'll weigh in on the other post.

ObiWattKenobi April 6, 2010 at 2:24 AM  

@Dr Awesome lol, I was very confused too

The Farmer took a few shots at California and I've lived here my whole life and I'd like to have a rebuttal:

You mentioned the flag and how it has the state's name on it, but it also has a bear, a bear that was so fierce that it was hunted to extinction. California used to be it's own republic state, apart from the US, and when we finally decided to join the Union we just kept our old flag in honor of that.

On the subject of agriculture, California produces most of the country's fruits and vegetables, which makes us the land of fruits and nuts... okay, that's not the best of points, but we're still number one. We also raise tons of cattle and sheep and have the best vineyards in the country. The only things you can't grow here are bananas and pineapples.

Something that sets California apart from any other state is that we have almost every climate available: mountain, ocean, desert, forest, grasslands, foothills, farmland, etc. I can go snowboarding in the morning, trek through the forest all afternoon, and then camp out in the desert for the night and visit the beach the next day. The only thing missing is swamp, but who wants to live in one of those things? Oh wait... that's all that Alabama is... California also has the only non-tropical rain forest in the world; ever heard of the forest-moon of Endor? Return of the Jedi was filmed in that rain forest.

Probably my favorite thing about California is Calvary Chapel. The Jesus Movement started here in southern California back in the 1960's, and while this place is not known for its godliness or manliness, Jesus is. He is the Man. Were it not for Chuck Smith taking in some hippies that got saved, a whole bunch of people would not be worshiping God today, I included.

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