Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Hello Kitty Guns?

Dr. Awsome,

As college student, I find I have limited funds to put towards necessary hobbies such as hunting, shooting, and ninjitsu classes. I recently came across the deal of a lifetime: A like new AK-47 was put up for sale in my area with an asking price well below half of what it would go for new. The only catch is the entire gun is colored in hot pink with Hello Kitty figures stenciled on the stock and fore grip. My buddies Ryan, Will and Buck think I should get it, but my mom thinks the pink would clash with my hunters orange. Would my manliness by compromised by handling such a weapon, or would pink aid in frightening off terrorist hordes? What's a manly man to do??

Thanks for the help,
Magnum Pinky


Magnum,

I confess to being very confused by the existence of such a weapon. I can only think of two reasons where you would need an assault rifle that is pink and covered in Hello Kitty stencils. The first should be fairly obvious: you’re the security guard at a karaoke bar/arcade in Japan. In this case, Hello Kittying your weapon would be like the snow ranger who wraps his sniper rifle in white tape; it helps you blend into your surroundings. Say some social deviants show up trying to wreck the place, and they dismiss you thinking that's a toy in your hand. Imagine their surprise when you step out from behind the Dance Dance Revolution platform spraying ammo. Hello Kitty indeed. The only other reason that comes to mind for having a weapon like that comes from something I've heard about the University of Iowa. Apparently they have the visitors' football locker room painted pink, so as to emasculate the opponents. I think this is a genius idea, and one that we should use when providing weapons to the criminal underworld. Let's say you're an arms dealer, yet one who is loyal to your country. You decide to undermine the efforts of the enemy by selling them pansified weapons. So you take their money, and they wind up with guns that they wouldn't want to be seen in public with. Now they have no money, and they are also ashamed. I call that a win for the forces of truth and justice. Of course, you should be careful here, because they may try to seek vengeance on you, and the only thing worse than being gunned down by a criminal is being gunned down by a criminal carrying a Hello Kitty gun. Well, I guess if he tried to do something to you involving a Hello Kitty catheter that would be worst of all, but still, the Hello Kitty gun would be pretty bad.

Now as for you owning one of these yourself for your own recreational use, it's a tough call. On the one hand, you can't go wrong with an assault rifle. That last sentence is actually a good motto to live life by, sort of like "there's always room for Jello" and "nobody puts Baby in a corner". But on the other hand, it's hard to take you seriously if your weapon features Japanese cartoons on it. I guess the only way I would really condone having a gun like that is if it was in one of the scenarios I mentioned above. I know when I was little sometimes my GI Joes would hide in the trunk of my sister's Barbie car for the purposes of infiltration, like a Trojan Horse of Daintyness. But they never felt good about it. So I'm saying a weapon like that may have it's uses, but they are so highly specialized that I think you should probably avoid it just to be safe. Unless you just happen to have a pink ghille suit, then go nuts.

Dr Awesome

2 comments:

ObiWattKenobi March 10, 2010 at 7:08 PM  

I think you should strip the paint off of it, that would be the most logical thing to do. And I never had a sister so my GI Joes never had to hide in a Barbie trunk.

hypeRory March 15, 2010 at 12:55 PM  

I usually just lurk but I found a collection of designer weapons, so if you want to go the "I'm-so-secure-in-my-masculinity-but-I-still-want-to-be-flashy-and-extravagant" route, here's the versace rifle:
http://www.petergronquist.com/peter_show_01831_op_800x227.jpg

i think there's a more masculine burberry variant in there too... LoL

(and yes, these are really supposed to be artistic pieces)

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