Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Halloween Costume Ideas

Dr. Awesome, Love your stuff. I have to go to a costume party through my wife's work tomorrow night. What should I wear? - Dave

Dave,

I have a list of unmanswered manswers backed up a couple of months, but I'm bumping this one to the top of the queue due to timeliness. Your need is immediate, so this gets elevated to manswer DEFCON 1. The last thing you need to do is compromise your masculinity by wearing a wussified costume. So let me help you out here.

Basically, I break down costumes into two categories: ones that require dressing up, and ones that don't. Now I prefer the non-dress up costumes, simply because when I get "dressed up" it is usually in camouflage, and something dies. And I've found that a good way to kill the mood at a costume party is to walk in with a freshly killed mountain lion. So I prefer what I call "psychological" costumes. But we'll get to those in a second. If you must dress up, go with something like:

- Superman. If you're going to dress up, why not pick a costume of someone who could destroy everybody else at the party with his heat vision? Sure, you could dress up as a different super hero, but why dress up in a lesser costume that guarantees you'll get your tail whipped by Superman? This costume works even if Yoda is at your party, as we all know who would win that fight. Go for the grand slam, go for the most powerful costume. Disclaimer though, don't dress up your infant as Superman. My parents made this mistake when I was younger, and I was confused for years. Why would Superman need a stroller?

- Special Forces attire. Another possibility for dressing up is to be prepared for random troubling situations that might arise. Great, dressing up as Super Mario might be creative and fun, but a plunger and a comical mustache will not help you when terrorists attack. At that point you'll definitely wish you had come dressed as a ninja. Think of John McClain in Die Hard and how he had to run across the broken glass because he didn't have shoes on. Be prepared! Note that the Superman costume works here too, because what terrorist expects freaking Superman to be at the party?

- Mime. This costume is ingenious for getting you out of small talk. You can still enjoy all the food and refreshments that people have out, since mimes have to eat or they will die off and the world be will a sadder place. But the second some boring bozo who doesn't know a thing about sports comes up to you and tries to start a conversation, you can just pretend you are stuck in an invisible box climbing a ladder. Ingenious! The perfect costume for the man who is unhappy about attending a costume party.

- Kanye West. This one is probably going to be overdone this Halloween, but you could always get one of those fake plastic bald things, paint some weird designs on it, and then go around telling everyone that Beyonce is better than them. I like this idea because it is timely, but any self-respecting terrorist is going to shoot Kanye right at the beginning. So definitely consider that before you pick this costume.

-Falcon (Balloon Boy). Another one that is timely but will probably be overdone this year. However, everyone else will be wearing huge silver helium filled Jiffy Pop looking balloons, which is all wrong. Falcon was never actually in the balloon. Little Falcon is kind of like Simon from Die Hard With A Vengeance when he said there was a bomb in a school, but only said that so he could steal 18 dump trucks worth of gold. Falcon just wanted his fifteen minutes of fame, which he is getting by being on this blog. To get the costume right, all you have to do is take a cardboard box and sit in it all night. To be as factual as possible, you should try and put the box upstairs in the attic, and don't say anything if the cops are looking for you. It is a very simple and multifunctional costume, and you can pretend to sleep to lure the Halloween terrorists into a false sense of security. And yes, I watched Die Hard this past weekend, hence all the references.

So if you insist on dressing up, those are the directions you should go. But I prefer psychological costumes...costumes where you don't have to dress up, where you instead get inside the head of those who wonder why you aren't wearing something stupid like they are. So under this scheme, you'd just show up at the part wearing normal clothes. When someone comes up to you asking who you are supposed to be, you can respond in several ways:

Clever: "I'm you, only way smarter and more sexy."

Mood killer: "I am a guy with (insert terminal disease here)."

15 year old: "I am a guy who just got done making out with your mom, BOOM!"

Annoyed: "I am a guy with a bad head ache, please leave me alone."

Gross: "I'm a guy with a highly contagious stomach virus."

Hostility: "I am a guy from the future, I have come back in time to tell you that you are an idiot and to shut up your face."

Direct: "Go away. I hate you."

Mood killer 2: "My lack of a costume represents the profound sadness that all of the people who are too impoverished to celebrate Halloween are currently experiencing."

Paranoid: Don't say anything, but point to the sky and mouth "They can hear us."

Emotional roller coaster: "Actually I am your father. No seriously, I know this is confusing, but your mom and me, well, a few years ago...anyway, go get your Pops something to drink."

Deaf: You can do any/all of the above by writing on little note cards that you are a deaf guy who doesn't know sign language but very much enjoys finger foods.

So Dave, those are my quick suggestions for costume ideas. If you're going to dress up, go for a costume that accomplishes something, like helping you be ready for danger, or helping you get out of small talk. But probably the most manly costume is to go for the subtle, sarcastic, psychological approach. People will not want to mess with you, which is good, because you don't need to get too emotionally attached to people who might get hit by stray bullets in a Halloween terrorist firefight. You might be thinking such an attack is unlikely, but I ask you, when is the easiest time for a bunch of guys dressed up like terrorists to walk around in the open without anyone asking questions? Heck, if I was a terrorist, that's when I would attack, just because the only thing better than spreading terror is spreading terror AND getting free candy. So be prepared Dave.

Dr Awesome

UPDATE: Dave, if you (or anyone else) decide to use any of these suggestions, send a picture and I'll post them here.

3 comments:

Max02 October 28, 2009 at 4:09 PM  

First off, I'm pretty sure Yoda would be wise enough to equip his lightsaber with a kyrptonite focusing crystal. Just saying.

Other than that, the "psychological" costumes were definitely interesting.

Dan October 28, 2009 at 6:17 PM  

How interesting that you put Mario as an example of what won't work...my son is going to be Luigi, because he was Mario last year. So guess who I get to be? You guessed it! I'll be Superman in my heart though.

Makes me wonder though...these rules don't apply to dads who are dressing up because of their kids, right? Just for costume parties?

Heather October 29, 2009 at 9:26 PM  

Another response to the psychological costume - "I'm a serial killer. They look just like everyone else." At least that's what someone told me once.

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