Urinal Stage Fright

Dr Awesome,

I have something of a shy bladder I guess you could say. If I go into a bathroom and I have to go in a urinal near another person, it's hard for me to go. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could fix this?

Joe

Joe,

I'm really not sure when or how I became an expert in restroom behavior. I keep getting questions related to this subject, and have manswered them to the best of my ability. Somehow along the way you people got it in your minds that when you've got to go, you go to Dr Awesome. That's fine I guess, because if there is one area where men need the most help, it is when they are at their most vulnerable. And when are you more vulnerable than when your goods are exposed? So I'm here for you, Joe, and for all of you other folks who are weary. Come to me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give your bladders rest. For my yoke is easy, and my bladder is Awesome.

So Joe, let's diagnose your problem. I have a confession to make: I, too, once suffered from stage fright when it comes to urination. When it came time to step up to the urinal, the pressure of the situation would get to me, and I'd lock up. The way I faced this fear and defeated it is legendary in the Awesome family. One time many years ago on the beach, my brother got stung by a jellyfish. Only my soothing urine could save him. At that moment, the adrenaline of the situation overcame me, and I knew that I either had to stand and deliver, or watch my brother suffer a painful death. So I peed all over him, head to toe, just in case there were other jellyfish stings I couldn't see. Ever since that day, if I've ever gotten a little bathroom stage fright, I think about hosing my brother down with my own tee tee, and that helps me conquer my fear. Of course, all of this happened when I was a mere lad of five, and many times I've been tempted to pretend that my brother was once again being stung by jellyfish, just so I could hose him again and let him know how I really feel. But anyway, I share all of that to say that this difficulty can be beaten with the proper motivation.

But if peeing all over your brother is not really your style, let me suggest another way to overcome your fear: turn it into a challenge. A few days ago I went into a bathroom with three urinals, and took urinal A. Someone else came in almost immediately and took urinal C. This left buffer urinal B, so I was not forced to immediately rain blows upon his face. So we're both standing there, and he somehow peed without ever making a sound. No sound of a stream hitting the water, no sound of flowing, no nothing. Now I'm not one to pay close attention to sounds in the bathroom, but for some reason, this time the silence was deafening. I was perplexed, wondering if he even peed at all, or if he just likes to expose himself in front of porcelain urinals, perhaps as some sort of pagan ritual to the gods of urination. But quickly the oddness of that guy left my mind, being replaced by an important question: could I do that? Could I urinate without making any noise at all? So I spent the next couple of days drinking gallons of water and trying to duplicate that feat, and it's harder than you might think. There is a lot of technique involved as far as aiming and volume control. It is possible, though, and I'm proud to say that I have attained my goal. Dr Awesome now pees in total silence. How can this possibly be beneficial, urinating without making a sound? Well for one, stealthiness is a prized virtue, and anything you can do to make yourself more ninja-esque is a good thing. Yes, even though ninjas are near super-human, they still have to go potty from time to time. And you can bet that even their tee tee time is silent and deadly. Two, striving for silence turns going to the bathroom into a personal competition. No longer do you have to worry about performing in front of other people. It's just you versus the urinal, in a fight to the death. That would probably help your stage fright, I think.

Something to watch out for, though, as you embark on a quest for the perfect pee, is the dreaded splash back. If you pee silently, but get it all over you, you have failed. We've all experienced urinals that, for one reason or another, require extensive preparation if you want to walk away fresh and clean. Maybe the porcelain is oddly shaped, maybe there is a lot of water at the bottom, maybe there is a urinal cake in an unfortunate location. Regardless, you've got to be extremely careful, otherwise it will be like playing in the sprinkler as a child...a sprinkler of your own waste. And that's not fun at all. I know from experience, as that was one of the techniques Papa Awesome used on me as a child to prepare me for possible capture by terrorists. So if you are striving for silence, also strive for dryness. If you can walk out of the bathroom with there being no evidence that you were even there, only then have you won.

I just want you to know, Joe, that there is hope for your condition. Some may scoff at you, but I suspect there is a stage fright threshold that every male has. Sure, one may be able to go with confidence in a bathroom, but I suspect most would lock up if they had to go as part of the half time show at the Super Bowl. Come to think of it that would probably be a more entertaining half time show than the ones they've had lately. But anyway, it's not that you have a condition that others don't share, but simply that your condition is somewhat more severe. Hopefully if you employ my technique of peeing on your brother or striving for the perfect ninja pee, you will be able to defeat your fear. Best of luck to you sir.

Dr Awesome