Beards and Shaving

Dr. Awesome:

Forgive me if you have already addressed this, as I am a new reader. Just how close does a man need to shave? At what point does the multiplication of blades within shaving heads become girly?

Thank you for you help.

Robert

Robert,

Have you ever heard the saying about waking up on the wrong side of the bed? I’ve never really understood how getting out of one side of bed or the other could affect your mood. Unless we're talking about a mattress I had for a while in college. There was a spring exposed on one side, and if I hit it just right, I’d feel a tingly sensation all down my spine, and decide that class should be avoided that day. Don't want to risk becoming paralyzed, after all. Well, when I read your manquery I tried to think of a phrase that meant the exact opposite of "waking up on the wrong side of the bed." That's because you started with a request for forgiveness, on the off chance you were wasting my time. That’s very admirable, it's like waking up on the correct side of the bed. It’s men of honor like you that I like to manswer for. So let’s get to it.

I did a little reading in between the lines of your question and it appears that there's a misconception that I need to address. After I get that out of the way I'll tackle your intended questions.

I need to debunk the myth that every man needs to be shaven, as if a gigantor beard is a bad thing. I'm not sure where such buffoonery originated. I can guarantee it wasn't the man who invented Sloppy Joe's, but this belief has been floating around for a while. I remember right before I was about to graduate from college, I attended a seminar that supposedly helped seniors with their resumes, had tips for interviewing, and so on. One of the "tips" was to be sure to have washed, well maintained hair as well as a clean shaven face. I remember thinking to myself "what sort of estrogentric nonsense is this?" Any job that would disqualify me immediately for having a thick facial mane of glory is a job I don't want any way. I understand wanting to appear presentable, but there is nothing better on a man than a massive beard. We're talking an unruly beard, dense enough that woodland creatures might be tempted to make their home there. We're talking a beard so long you could tie a hook on the end and use it to scale large buildings. Beards so full you can use it for shelter if you find yourself stranded in a desert. If I'm a hiring manager, and a prospective employee walks in with a beard like that, I'm giving him the job, whatever it is, with no other questions asked. He's probably homeless anyway and could use the income. So really, this idea that beards are undesirable is balderdash. Anyone who doesn't like beards is just sad that they don't have one.

That said, there are good reasons to not have a beard. Maybe you don't want to have something your MMA opponent can grab. Maybe your drill sergeant will make you run for days if he spots a single whisker. Maybe you are trying to infiltrate a merry band of effeminate terrorists. Maybe all you want is a glorious Tom Selleck-type mustache rather than a full beard. Maybe you are genetically incapable of growing a facial mane. Or maybe your wife doesn't want you to grow one because it is "too scratchy." If you fall into one of these categories, and I trust that you do Robert, then it's alright to be clean shaven.

But I think for the manly man, this is an all or nothing deal. You either want to be clean shaven, or on your way to beardly glory. There should be no stops along the way. There are some guys out there who think they look great with perpetual scruff. They deliberately shave down to where it looks like they have about 2 days worth of growth, and that's where they make their home. This is akin to getting about 20 feet up the face of a mountain and then saying "I'm going to hang out here pretty much forever." This is pure shenanigans. Either finish the journey, or don't even start. Your options are facial hair or no facial hair. The realm of quasi-hair is off limits. I'm not saying you can't maybe let the beard go for a couple of days in between shaving, especially if you run out of sand paper and you need to smooth out some wood with your face. What I'm talking about are the guys who live in this pseudo-region, who are always on the cusp of that awkward stage where you aren't sure if they are trying to grow a beard or just trying to look like an idiot. Don't be that guy. Go all or nothing.

So a man should be pretty close to clean shaven, or on the journey to Beardy Beardy Land. He should not make his home in between. You asked about the multiplication of blades as well. I have noticed that there have been a lot of gimmicks lately to try and entice men to buy more expensive razors. First they went to TWO BLADES! That was fine for a few years, but eventually they realized that if two is good, THREE IS BETTER! And since men often shave while traveling up to three times the speed of sound, it's the MACH3! Wait, why not jack up the MACH3 a little bit by adding battery power? Who doesn't want electricity flowing through metal tools that you swish in water? MACH3 TURBO! But hold on, only three blades is for idiots. What about FOUR BLADES! OMG ROFL LOLCATS! It's the Quattro, which is sort of like "four" in Spanish, and therefore adds the spicy flair of Hispanic Romance! And let's put an electric sideburn trimmer in the handle, just to add to the possibility of mild electric shock. And on and on it goes. I'm actually using an experimental razor from Gillette called the Gillette Conquistador that features 37 blades and is big enough that the other day while I was shaving my chin I accidentally lopped off an eyebrow. Realistically, I think there's no reason to go over two or three blades. All that other stuff is just marketing gimmicks. Or you could really man up and go with a straight razor, but please be careful not to decapitate yourself. That's just not how you want to start your day.

So Robert, hopefully tomorrow morning when you are standing in front of the mirror staring at a full day of beard growth, you'll be equipped to make a decision. Either shave it off (using a reasonable number of blades) or, better still, embark on a journey towards beardly glory. Think of all the great bearded men in history: Moses, Jesus, Santa Claus, Kenny Rogers. Who wouldn't want to be like them? Best of luck to you on your fantastic beardly voyage.

Dr Awesome