Dr Awesome's Theory of Decimals
Today I'd like to briefly abandon the question and manswer format. It's not because I don't have any questions to manswer...I actually have quite a backlog to work through. But I thought I'd take the opportunity today to do two things. One, give you folks a little peak into my personal life, sort of like that old show "Behind the Music" except I've never trashed a hotel room in Berlin. And two, I had a fantastic idea this weekend that I think should be shared with the world. I'd like to announce that I have come up with a new law. Not a civil law like speed limits, or even a moral law like all of the thou shalt nots. This is closer to a law of physics. It's something I've come up with using the old fashioned scientific method that we learned about back in middle school. You remember that, right? It had like seven steps I think, but I only remember one of them: form a hypothesis. That's because there was this one girl with a lisp who couldn't say "hypothesis" and we all thought that was hilarious. Anyway I formed a hypothesis (or a hypothethith) and I've tested it extensively, so much so that I'm convinced I have discovered a new law of physics. I'm calling it Dr Awesome's Theory of Decimals. I don't want to brag, but I really think I'm on to something special here. I promise if I win the Nobel Prize I'll use the prize money to have a big party, and you are all invited.
Anyway, let me set up some back story for the theory. This weekend my parents came up, and my mom wanted to go antique shopping. Fantastic. So she, my dad, me, and Mrs Awesome piled in the car and we headed up out to a small town near here that is home to numerous antique stores. Now every time I go to antique store, with Mrs Awesome or with my mom, it always ends up the same. One or both of them find some piece of furniture that neither of them have space for in their houses, but they simply HAVE to buy it because it is "such a great deal!" This is where my new law comes into practice. When evaluating how good a deal is on something that we don't need and I don't want, the amount I am willing to spend on it is exactly one decimal place over from what the price tag says. So let P equal the Price I would be willing to pay, J equal the asking price of the Junk, then P = J / 10. Essentially, just move the decimal place over to the left once, and that's what I'd be willing to pay. That's Dr Awesome's Theory of Decimals. This weekend, for instance, my mom found this "such a great deal!" end table that she wanted to buy for Mrs Awesome as an early Christmas present. Despite the fact that this is completely ridiculous on its own (it's MAY!), I let that slide and said "that's an ok table, what is it, about $12?" No, it was $120, to which I replied "negator." I wasn't going to pay that, and I wasn't going to let my mom pay that either, not for a 2 foot table that was just asking to be shattered by my rampaging dogs. It's not my fault that I feel this way, it's a law of physics. I had to apply the same principle for a $70 antique sewing machine that I thought was worth $7 at best (plus Mrs Awesome never does any antique sewing, so we have no need for such a thing). Anyway we made it through the day without any new old furniture, which is a satisfying conclusion in my mind.
Note that Dr Awesome's Theory of Decimals doesn't just apply to antique furniture...it pretty much applies to any non-man thing that Mrs Awesome wants to buy. That doesn't mean that she never ignores my law and does what she wants anyway (in fact, she almost always ignores it), but simply that I think she pays too much for stuff. For instance, when Mrs Awesome gets her hair done (semi-annually, we aren't rich), I think it should cost no more than $6, since that's about what my haircuts used to cost before I got an electric trimmer and started cutting my own head. But her salon visits actually cost $60, which is clearly excessive. For her birthday she got a spa visit, which in my mind is worth about 10 bucks, but actually costs $100. And don't get me started about diamond rings. Pretty much across the board, all girl things are ten times more expensive than I think they should be. That's Dr Awesome's Theory of Decimals at work.
Men, let me share some sage wisdom. Women in general, and Mrs Awesome and my mom in particular, are completely unimpressed by this law of physics. I dutifully stand my ground, stating the principles of this law, but I lose this battle as often as I win it. Why can't women understand the way the universe works? It's a law, a Decimal Law! My dad isn't much help either. Standing there silently while I stood tall and true in the name of science, my dad had a look of defeat in his eyes. Repeatedly I called on him to back me up, but he just stood there with a look that said "don't even bother, son." I could see into his soul, and what I saw was a man who has given up. He knows the Theory of Decimals, but long ago he must have decided it wasn't worth fighting for. He apparently has thrown in the towel, and just deals with it when my mom wants to spend money on old pricey junk. Perhaps that is where I am headed one day, a shell of a man with no will to fight for what is right any longer. Still, I am young and full of vigor, and while I still can I must oppose the antiquey onslaught. My dad may be waving the white flag, but I'm not there yet.
So that is the Dr Awesome Theory of Decimals. Note that your wife might try to turn this around on you, and say that a hunting rifle is only worth 1/10th of what you actually pay for it. Gently rebuke your wife for misapplying scientific principles, because clearly stuff for dudes is worth more than lady stuff.
Let me know your thoughts on the Dr Awesome Theory of Decimals. We'll be back to the question and manswer format soon.
Dr Awesome
6 comments:
Hi,
We have just added your latest post "To Every Man A Manswer: Dr Awesome's Theory of Decimals" to our Shopping Directory . You can check the inclusion of the post here . We are delighted to invite you to submit all your future posts to the directory for getting a huge base of visitors to your website and gaining a valuable backlink to your site.
Warm Regards
bestmart.info Team
http://www.bestmart.info
I"m not trying to argue but in my experience there is a floating % that varies according to how interested I am in the purchase. Your Decimal Law shows one extreme but the more interesting an object becomes the closer to the "actual" price my evaluative price becomes.
Of course there is a corollary to this which states that for a given price I can make a comparable object for 1/10th of the price.
"What, you want this junk table? It costs $120! Lets go to the flea market and get one just like it that is broken for $10 and I'll fix it for $2." $12 later you have a perfectly good old table instead of the $120 one. OK, sure you have a stack of magazines under on leg but those were free at the Dr's office. I won't say why you were at the Dr's office but it is a really cool story to share with your friends that includes the phrase, "so I picked my finger up and put it in a cup of ice," and end with "and the Dr. was great, you can barely see the scar and I have 90% mobility."
I know some ladies would say "but hold on the Dr. visit cost way more than the table." This doesn't count as we all know the Dr. visit would have happened eventually and the story is what is actually purchased there so it doesn't count to the cost of the table. In manville this is a priceless story so you win.
I think you've demonstrated your hypothesis as an actual working theory and it should very well be considered a law of science.
For the sake of manscience, I'd like to add the clarification that it must be the said woman (wife, mom, girlfriend, etc.) that is requesting the purchase. If the item in question is something we men would intentionally purchase then the law does not apply. Let me provide a for instance.
For instance, if the item to be purchased is an engagement ring, then yes the actual literal price tag may be higher than man market value, but as men we might be likely to pay it because we're the one's desiring the purchase. After all, we want the ladies to feel valued, and as cool as it might be to have a Reggie Jackson rookie card attached to a golden loop for your bride to wear on her finger, that just doesn't seem to fly with the women-folk.
Flowers are another good example. If we men being magnanimous (or should I say magMANimous) bring home some flowers for the ladies, then we'll be willing to pay the purchase price regardless of the fact that we're being overcharged. However, if you find yourself stuck in a flower shop and the little woman is ooh'ing and ahh'ing over some daisies and there's no special occasion, then the law applies.
And let me add that it's really too bad that flowers replaced meat sometime back in the course of history. Think about it - at one time, I'm sure of this, we men were able to show the ladies love not by bringing home flowers, but by bringing meat. We're providers after all. I mean really, who was the knobhead that came up with the idea of flowers instead of meat anyway. Seriously, you can't (or at least shouldn't) be eating flowers. 'Nuff said.
I don't think it's so much that our dads have given up as they just have more money now that we're out of the house. I remember my father fighting junk, but my suspicion is that he now has a "junk budget". One day we, too, may have the luxury of not fighting the junk.
I do agree with you, though, that Mrs. Awesome has misapplied the Decimal Theory--it's an inverse law when applied to men. What I mean is that, when I want to buy something for $100, it's really worth $1000, so I'm getting a good deal. The law for men is P = 10 * J.
"Gently rebuke your wife for misapplying scientific principles, because clearly stuff for dudes is worth more than lady stuff."
So, how is it, sleeping on the sofa?
Len, I actually like sleeping on the sofa. It's like sleeping against a wall of pillows.
Post a Comment