Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Adult Wipes

Dr. Awesome,

Is it acceptable for a man to use "adult wipes" (previously known as baby wipes) versus regular toilet paper?

Uncle Rico


Uncle Rico,

Before I begin, is this the real Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite? I hope so. I'm a big fan...or at least I was, until that movie got quoted into the ground. Right now I'm in sort of a cooling off period. That movie has to lay fallow for awhile before I start thinking it was great again. I went through this phase with Dumb and Dumber, and now I'm back on that bandwagon. "WE LANDED ON THE MOON!" Classic.

On to the manswer. Uncle Rico, I wish I could borrow your time machine to travel back and erase this question from my inbox. As a general rule I try to avoid any issues that involve goings on in the crotchal/buttockular region, but since I’ve made exceptions before (see the Golden Rules of Steves here) I thought I’d take a swipe at yours as well (ha ha! thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week).

As for your question, I certainly understand the desire to get something wet involved in the cleaning process. If I were washing dirt off my arms, I'd probably use soap, water, maybe a wet rag of some kind. So it makes sense that if I'm trying to clean up something even worse than dirt, I'd at least try to use something similar. I can see where you're coming from, and I pretty much agree with you.

But, I'm still going to have to say that I don't think it is acceptable to use baby wipes, for a few reasons. First, wasted pocket space. If you use adult wipes you have to carry them around yourself, because public restrooms only provide "toilet paper." I put that in quotation marks, because it is only toilet paper in the loosest sense. What you find in your typical public restroom has more in common with sand paper than toilet paper. Try this as an experiment...next time you are in a public restroom, take a roll home with you. I guarantee you can use it to remove grout from the tile in your bathroom. Anyway, most restrooms are not stocked with baby wipes, but have sandpaper/asphalt/gravel toilet paper aplenty. So if you insist on using baby wipes, that means you'd have to supply them yourself. Carrying around your package of wipes wastes precious room in your pockets for other more important things. Think about Batman...if he had a compartment in his utility belt for adult wipes, that would mean he'd have to give up carrying something else. In a close fight with The Penguin and his legion of arctic bird life, you want weapons, not something that will help you get clean and refreshed. What are you going to do, toss medicated wipes in the general direction of your antagonist? Just based off the inconvenience of always having to have wipes with you, I say that's more than enough reason not to use them.

But there are other reasons too. The distracting scent, for instance. I haven’t done any research, but don't these things come in a variety of different scents? If so, what man wants to have the aroma of daisies and lilacs literally following him around all day? You show me that man and I will show you a man who has posters of kitty cats all over his bedroom. While we're talking scent, something else to think about would be the keen sense of smell possessed by animals in the wild. You could be hiding in the woods waiting on the wild boar to trot through on his way to the watering hole, but there would be a family of deer nibbling at your butt. These wipes would completely render camo useless, and you would never be able to hunt again. Also think how different Rambo II would have been if John Rambo used adult wipes. The Vietnamese soldier would be strolling along thinking how odd it was that that wall of mud in the middle of the jungle smelled like a country meadow after a morning rain. Rambo’s position would have been compromised, the POW’s would not have been rescued, and the entire Vietnamese military would not have been destroyed by one man. All thanks to adult wipes and their distracting scents. Why would you support such a product?

Another problem would be issues related to the medicated wipe residue. Using these wipes would add a foreign substance on your body that will likely cause unfortunate chafing when you start sweating later. So basically every time you use your wipes it would be like making the mistake of visiting an amusement park and going on the water ride first. I made that mistake once, and I promise you, never again. Roller coasters are not fun when your wet shirt completely rubs your man nipples into bloody nubs. I can't even watch a commercial for Six Flags without flashes of pain convulsing my whole body. Unfortunate chafing is some of the worst pain a man can endure (scientists say it is much, much worse than giving birth), so don't invite the possibility of these sorts of difficulties into your world by using wipes. Side note, when I get to heaven, question numero uno is going to be why we have man nipples. My life would be much better off without them. I wish I could have them surgically removed and replaced with something cool, like maybe a laser level. At the very least I would be more handy around the house, doing some shirtless leveling of things.

I think you see what the bulk of my objections are. Like I said, I understand the appeal of getting something more than just paper down there to do a little house cleaning. Maybe the Europeans have a good idea, with their fancy power wash bidet things. I've used these before in my foreign travels, and I'll admit that they start out as immensely unsettling but wind up being quite refreshing. Judge me if you wish, but when in Rome, wash your backside like the Romans do. But until bidets become more widespread, we'll have to stick with toilet paper. Using wipes is just a bad idea. Toilet paper, leaves, pine cones, carcasses of dead animals...these things work fine. Wipes...no way.

While we're talking leaves, do yourself a favor and become VERY familiar with what the various poisonous vegetation looks like. Leaves of three, let it be, and so on. If you get some poison ivy down there, you will wish you were dead. Just a little word to the wise to close out this manswer.

Dr Awesome

8 comments:

James May 20, 2009 at 6:14 PM  

Dr. Awesome, I'd have to disagree with you on this one. My dad is one of the manliest men I know: ex-military, camper/hiker, etc. He's used wipes since he was in the military - where they're used in the field. Being clean is manly.

TimW077 May 20, 2009 at 6:37 PM  

public restrooms only provide "toilet paper."

I think it would be more accurate to say, "Public restrooms provide John Wayne Paper. Its rough, and tough, and doesn't take crap from anyone."

Rach May 20, 2009 at 10:08 PM  

Oh, Reverand Dr. Awesome. You are a hoot. I shared this post with my husband and he said, "Dr. Awesome obviously has never used wipes on his own awesome hole."

Molly May 21, 2009 at 1:23 AM  

I'd normally side with James on this one. However, when it comes to public restrooms I wouldn't dare attempt to flush more than, say, one or two of those wipes down an unfamiliar toilet. You never know what they might--or might not--be capable of.
So wipe at your own risk, friends.

Anonymous May 25, 2009 at 9:22 AM  

Any woman would appreciate her man using adult wipes...some scents are mood killers!

Anonymous May 27, 2009 at 1:16 PM  

One of your finest posts, Dr. Awesome - I am honored that you would take the time to field my question.

Uncle Rico

p.s. Dumb and Dumber is the best film ever made

Svenn May 28, 2009 at 2:06 PM  

Adult wipes are an essential part of my arsenal as Soldier. I agree they should not be used as a substitute for TP, but many's the "shower" I have taken with baby wipes, while standing next to my HMMWV in the desert.

For freshness down below, I reccommend Gold Bond, keeps you dry and cool, while cutting down chaffing from sweat while fighting insurgents in 120 degree weather. (Warning, excessive sweat will turn it into a paste if you apply too much, then you may have to violate the anti-adult wipe rule to clean the mess)

Anonymous September 15, 2009 at 9:00 AM  

Roids can bring a brick to tears.
I have used wipes for years.
They are very common in Europe.
I am clean and mean!

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