Thursday, April 23, 2009

Teddy Bears and Single Men

Dr Awesome, I heard on the radio this morning that 1 in 5 single adult men sleep with a teddy bear. Do you think this is ok? Terry - Norman, OK

Terry,

My initial response to this question was that the manswer should be so obvious that the question isn't worth my time. But if this statistic is true...and sweet Moses I hope that it isn't...that means 20% of you single guys out there have a cuddly bedtime pal. So the manswer must not be obvious to a large percentage of you. Let me be as clear as I could possibly be:

GROWN MEN DO NOT SLEEP WITH TEDDY BEARS!

Guys, imagine that a buddy of yours from work invited you over to his place to watch a football game. While there, you have to go to the bathroom, so you pass by his bedroom. Inside, you see a stuffed animal perched atop his pillows on the bed. Tell me that you wouldn't flee the area immediately...I know I would. Normally a grievance like this is a must-dudefront, but this is so heinous that you are better off heading for the hills. This is about ten times worse than him being a pagan priest of some kind. At least you could talk him out of sacrificing chickens. This, I'm not sure there is much hope.

Which leads me to throw out some rules for sleeping with stuff animals. It is acceptable for a male to sleep with a stuffed animal if:

- you are younger than five or six
- someone's life depends on it, like say some pirates are going to blow up some of your loved ones if you don't do it

That's it, at no other time is it acceptable, period, and even in the second case you have to ask yourself how important the loved ones are. You might also ask yourself what sort of pirates would, rather than ask for ransom of some kind, prefer to see you spend the night with a stuffed animal. These sorts of pirates would probably be the kind you could take down yourself pretty easily. But I digress. I myself slept with a stuffed animal (Macho Man Randy Savage), until about the age of 6. If I figured out at the tender age of 6 that I wasn't going to be snapping into a Slim Jim in the middle of the night and that he needed to go, then what in the blue world is wrong with a 26 year old? Look, when it is no longer cool to wear underwear with cartoons on them, it is also no longer cool to sleep with stuffed animals. The fact that I have to spell this out makes me worry about the future of the human race.

Now that's not to say that it is unacceptable to sleep with fluffy things. If you gave me ten pillows, I would find some way to work all of them into my sleep posture. Currently, I sleep with three pillows and one Mrs Awesome, though at varying times in my life I have fluctuated between one and four (pillows, not Mrs Awesomes). My ideal situation would be to have a stack of fresh pillows beside the bed, so that when one gets hot instead of flipping it over I could just toss it across the room and grab a cool, crisp backup. That would be refreshing. So if I hear about a guy who sleeps with a plethora of pillows, I wouldn't have a problem with that...I'd probably be interested in stopping by and taking notes, because I'm always looking for ways to get more pillows involved.

But there is a huge difference between pillows and stuffed animals. Pillows, you have to get into the double digits before I start wondering what's going on. Stuffed animals, all it takes is one for me to never speak with you again.

Now, if you are a male reader who is single, please leave a comment and let me know that you don't sleep with a teddy bear. Supposedly one in five of you do sleep with one, and I'd love nothing more than to disprove that statistic. Otherwise, there is no hope for humanity. When aliens attack, we'll be hiding in the closet sucking our thumbs. Is that what we want?

I'm sorry to lay it out there like that, but that's how it is. I realize you stuffed animal owners might not be accustomed to the concept of tough love, since Mr Bear loves you regardless of how much you wet the bed. But I'm blunt because I care. It's time for them to go.

Dr Awesome

29 comments:

Cowboy Bob April 23, 2009 at 8:58 PM  

Absotively! I can't even remember when I gave up the stuffed toys. BTW, James Bond is dead wrong, you don't sleep with the Walther under your pillow! Put it, or a knife, between the mattress and the box springs where it belongs.

Jacob Duchaine April 23, 2009 at 10:37 PM  

I fully agree that it's not acceptable for a grown man to sleep with a stuffed animal. I don't think it's because he would be embarrassed if one of his friends walked by and saw it though.

I think it has more to do with the level of independence a grown man is supposed to possess. A grown man should be able to sleep alone, and sleeping with a toy shows an inability to cope with independence, and he's nothing but a grown boy, not a man at all.

Jeff April 24, 2009 at 5:40 AM  

What? It's not cool to wear underwear with cartoon characters on them?
What if it's a really good cartoon?

Ben April 24, 2009 at 9:38 AM  

I do not sleep w/ any stuffed animal and I am in fact single.

Anonymous April 24, 2009 at 10:23 AM  

No stuffed animals here either. Could you comment on the manliness of sleeping with an actual bear in the bed? Also, any suggestions for pacifying the bear without heinous amounts of drugs and/or blood?

Mark Bennon April 24, 2009 at 10:27 AM  

I most certainly gave up teddy bears prior to age 6 and haven't looked back since....accept for that weird phase in the 60's...

just kidding, I was born in '85.

chris April 24, 2009 at 11:16 AM  

first off, good stuff! found you from scl :D

and no teddy bears on my bed. 2 pillows instead. let's disprove this so-called "stat" haha

Max02 April 24, 2009 at 11:20 AM  

Three pillows and one Mrs. That works for me, but now I'm thinking about also getting some more pillows.

Nick the Geek April 24, 2009 at 11:46 AM  

I am no longer single but I am male. I can say hat when I was single I did not sleep with a stuffed animal. I did have a few girl friends that would give me a stuffed bear or something but that was remanded to a corner or chair where the girl would see it if she dropped by unexpectedly and know that it was "important" to me. Never the bed though. I'm not even fond of when the kids climb into bed and I love them.

Dr Awesome April 24, 2009 at 1:47 PM  

It gives me great hope and joy that, so far, none of you sleep with stuffed animals. You know how people talk about our grandparents as "The Greatest Generation" because they fought WWII? Hopefully one day people will remember us as the generation that never slept with stuffed animals. Probably not on the same level, those two things, but still, it is nice to have goals.

Phil Hoover, Chicago April 24, 2009 at 3:01 PM  

You are hysterical...I just hope you don't get "historical" on us too!

nic April 24, 2009 at 4:24 PM  

My son is 4. He has all ready abandoned his bedtime stuffed pal. Granted, he still haves his stuffed monkey, but it is more likley to be found in the playroom than it is in a bed.

Anonymous April 24, 2009 at 5:30 PM  

Hilarious post! Hope I'm not contaminating things by posting a comment! My husband was given a big teddy bear for his 21st (long years ago) and I have to say I wondered what that said about him. 28 years later that bear has been hugged, dressed, thrown around by our three daughters and so I guess the gift has been proved to have been OK. Mind you, The Bear has never been named and it has never ever been invited to a nocturnal picnic in our bed!

Vlad April 24, 2009 at 10:27 PM  

though i cannot say i am a fully grown man, i can safely say no stuffed, plush animals of any kind reside in the parameters/vicinity of my bed. nor have they ever, due to various reasons.
i do, however, love me some good pillows. talk about a luxury...
anyways, i was appalled/shocked/flabbergasted at the high percentage of men who do sleep with a stuffed bear. what have men come to these days? my brothers and i sleep with katanas close by the bed, so that whipping them out is not a hassle. these are truly the times that try mens' souls...

Lindsey April 24, 2009 at 11:08 PM  

So I'm not a dude but I am a single adult female who does sleep with a bear, what do you think about that? To be completely honest, it helps my back, but I'd be curious and most likely entertained to read your response. Thanks!

Kevin April 24, 2009 at 11:35 PM  

One in five? I don't know about that... I think the guy who reported that statistic sleeps with a teddy bear and wanted it to seem not that weird. Kind of like how Sigmund Freud had the hots for his mom. I'll admit to owning stuffed animals, but they are not to be slept with, only put on a shelf and occasionally hurled at my roommates. Was never allowed to sleep with them as a kid due to allergy-related reasons, but my parents may have just made that part up so I could grow up to be on the four out of five side.

FrankandMary April 25, 2009 at 6:34 AM  

I had a couple of boyfriends who probably took their bong to bed on a few occasions, but never one with a teddy bear fetish that I know of. I do find middle-aged women with 27 fancy dolls on their Victorian bed the types I don't get along with for long though.
~Mary

Steph @Red Clay Diaries April 25, 2009 at 11:00 AM  

I'm a woman, so I can't be part of your survey.

But I did once have a 5ft-long body pillow that I slept with thru three pregnancies.

My husband named it Fred. Reading about guys' thing for pillows, now I can't believe he didn't commandeer it for its pillowiciousness.

Jon V. April 26, 2009 at 2:20 PM  

Couldn't agree with you more Dr. Awesome.

Chris Miller April 27, 2009 at 11:33 AM  

Having not read the report I can't say for certain, but I suspect there was some misunderstanding. Isn't it more likely that 20% of single men sleep with a teddy praying "Lord please send a woman who fits into this."

Lee McKusick May 3, 2009 at 1:41 PM  

I have stuffed moose that I got on a vacation in Maine that hangs out on my bed. Every time I look at him, I remember going whitewater rafting down the Kennebec, fishing on Moosehead Lake (hence the reason it's a moose), and a bunch of other cool stuff from that trip.

So, while I don't really sleep with it, he's there as a cool reminder of manly things. I'd say it's justified. ;)

Boredatwork May 5, 2009 at 4:37 PM  

So I dated a guy for about 6 months and realized that he was going to be a friends with benefits type guy because he was too needy- but great in bed. The only problem is that he has this stuffed animal "pillow" like thing on his bed from when he was a kid. Anytime I see it my stomach turns and yell at him to move it- quickly. Guys- I don't care if you use the animal for a pillow- it's just plain wrong.

Anonymous June 12, 2009 at 5:14 PM  

Female here as well, I am with a man who has a stuffed bunny and a ripped up dog in a pillowcase since he was a little boy. He says they are part of the family, always harressing me and my daughter with them when I want no part, and sneaks them around the house even in the bed. Also becomes a little boy around them. He believes these things are alive. He talks to them and think they talk back him. How sick is this one. I am so out of here.

Jeremy July 17, 2009 at 12:20 AM  

Dear Dr. Awesome. Some guys from our Youth Group are in St. Louis for a Mission Trip. We've been reading your manswers at night before hitting the sack. They are amazing and a perfect bedtime solution. The girls in the other room sing songs. We beat our chest and quote Dr. Awesome. We wanted you to know that out of the five single guys--all are teddy bear free! We would like an update if ever you need help beating up teddy bear lovers.

Know that we're big fans of your blog and you should come to Wichita and speak at our men's retreat. We would like to know how to become more like Dr. Awesome. Yours truly, First Evangelical Free Church Youth Group Guys: Jason, Adam, Sam, Matt, and Jeremy.

p.s. We just found out that Sam's Uncle sleeps with a teddy bear

p.p.s. We're plotting his eradication

Dick August 20, 2009 at 12:01 PM  

Your right men should not sleep with a stuff animal,so I sleep with three.

It is free country you can take your society norms and stick them where the sun don't shine.

JayJay December 8, 2009 at 2:23 PM  

I am 33, male and single and I have so many teddies you would be ovewhelmed and probably pass out, well there not all teddies, i have cuddly dogs a bunny and even cuddly shark shark, plus i have a talking laa laa teletubby toy, but the majority of my plush pals are teddies.
I have so many i dont have space to keep them all on my bed, i feel awfully guilty but some of them have to live in a box in my closet, of the few that get to sit on my bed only 2 i sleep with, thats Theodore or Theo for short, he is a lovely yellow teddy, well hes not so yellow now cos where ive snuggled him so much he needs a bit of a wash! and Puff, Puff is my red welsh dragon and i always feel closer to home when i cuddle Puff, actually i cant sleep without theo and puff so they go everywhere with me if i know im going to be sleeping, they came on holiday with me to the US, and did they ride in the cargo hold with the baggage, NO WAY, they have there own travel bag and they flew in the cabin with me, with the zip undone so they could breathe and even took them ouit so they could see out the window, I am lucky not everyone is like you and hates people who love teddies, my freinds know im just a big kid that and i need my teddies, and they arnt mean to me at all

JayJay December 8, 2009 at 2:25 PM  

I am 33, male and single and I have so many teddies you would be ovewhelmed and probably pass out, well there not all teddies, i have cuddly dogs a bunny and even cuddly shark shark, plus i have a talking laa laa teletubby toy, but the majority of my plush pals are teddies.
I have so many i dont have space to keep them all on my bed, i feel awfully guilty but some of them have to live in a box in my closet, of the few that get to sit on my bed only 2 i sleep with, thats Theodore or Theo for short, he is a lovely yellow teddy, well hes not so yellow now cos where ive snuggled him so much he needs a bit of a wash! and Puff, Puff is my red welsh dragon and i always feel closer to home when i cuddle Puff, actually i cant sleep without theo and puff so they go everywhere with me if i know im going to be sleeping, they came on holiday with me to the US, and did they ride in the cargo hold with the baggage, NO WAY, they have there own travel bag and they flew in the cabin with me, with the zip undone so they could breathe and even took them ouit so they could see out the window, I am lucky not everyone is like you and hates people who love teddies, my freinds know im just a big kid that and i need my teddies, and they arnt mean to me at all

lilfurbal December 11, 2009 at 11:11 PM  

I am a 27 year old male who sleeps with stuffed animals. Though not so much as a kid... started late high school. I found it very comfortable. Actually, when presented with the option to cuddle with another human or cuddle with a plush in bed I would choose the plush. I don't get so hot and I can cuddle all night long on either side. It's great. Also keeps me from snoring as without a stuffed animal I'll likely sleep on my back. I sleep with stuffed animals because it is very very comfortable. Not because I'm insecure, all my friends and family know. I have nothing to hide and won't stop for anything.

Anonymous June 18, 2010 at 10:37 PM  

I am seventeen so not a fully grown man however I can not sleep without Kate my teddy. I cuddle her to get to bed I have insomnia and so she helps me. I feel like she's my best friend. She has bin there when I needed her when I'm upset and can't stop crying she was always there to hug and cuddle. I feel like sumtimes she's the only person who understands me I love her and sleep with her every night. O and I am a single straight guy.

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