The Maninator

Dr. Awesome,

I was flipping through the channels the other night, and I was appalled at the lack of manly television. If you could create a television show, what would it be like?

Dennis, Orlando, FL

Dennis,

Let me briefly correct you. There are several shows on television that are absolutely awesome. Man Vs Wild. The original American Gladiators. Ultimate Fighting. Hotdog eating contests. But I agree, what we need is a show that combines the best elements of these shows, for the purposes of crowning the ultimate manly awesome man. My premise is to have a show based off the final event in American Gladiators (The Eliminator) that features several grueling challenges which must be completed. The winner advances in the man-tournament, while the loser goes home to ponder whether he is even a man at all. Today I give you Dr. Awesome's idea for a TV show entitled The Man-inator, presented by Old Spice (of course).

Contestants: To be eligible to compete, you must be a manly male who has never put any kind of products in his hair other than shampoo. You must be a red-blooded American, or if you are foreign, you must either be ex-special forces or a competitor in UFC or a ninja. You must have short hair, unless you just got back from being undercover in Afghanistan and haven't had time to cut it. Or unless you are dressed like William Wallace. You must be wearing an Under Armour shirt and Wrangler jeans, or full camo, or a war kilt, or ninja clothes. You must hate boy bands with a passion. Chewing tobacco is not mandatory, but it helps.

Pre-event: Contestants are given samples of Old Spice from the corporate sponsor in order to musk up properly for the event. Contestants will face off in pairs, with the winner of each race advancing in the tournament. The overall winner of the tournament gets a movie deal where he will fight terrorist aliens and make out with attractive women, soundtrack by the 80s band Survivor.

Event 1: The wing contest. You must eat as many chicken wings as you can in 10 minutes. You get one point per wing, with a bonus point if the wing is covered in nuclear hot sauce. Vomit, tears, or complaints of any kind result in immediate disqualification.

Event 2: The seduction. You must convince a woman who is hot and single yet completely unaware of the competition you are in to marry you in five minutes. Here is where the Old Spice comes in handy. You aren't allowed to say that you are competing for prize money...if you do, you get disqualified. A successful engagement results in 10 points, with five bonus points if SHE asks to marry YOU.

Event 3: Man vs wild. You must catch a fish with your bare hands and eat it raw. Note that a black bear is also trying to catch the same fish. No time limit on this event. 5 points for a successfully eaten fish. -5 points for having to be rescued from a bear mauling.

Event 4: The beard. You must grow a beard. If you have on already, you may skip this event. If not, you might be here awhile. Points will be awarded based on a subjective scale that considers how likely a squirrel is to build a nest in your beard, from zero points for not likely at all to 10 points for already having squirrels present.

Event 5: The mechanic. You must figure out why a car is making a certain noise and fix it. Each contestant has one "Phone a Dr. Awesome" that they can use, which will result in me helping out for 5 minutes. 10 points for fixing the car.

Event 6: The hunt. You must kill a buck using any means necessary. The impressiveness of the kill determines how many points you get. 1 point for killing with a gun, 3 for an arrow, 5 for a knife or sword or ninja weapon, 10 for killing him with his own antlers.

Event 7: The moonshine. You must drink a pint of the strongest moonshine this side of the Mississippi, without stopping, and then you must sit in a rocking chair and tell a bitter, crusty story about how much better things used to be 80 years ago.

Event 8: The chili cook-off. You must prepare chili, with points being awarded on a scale that slides from 1 point for "spicy" to 10 points for "total eclipse of the spleen."

Event 9: The matters of the heart. You must watch a series of films and listen to a series of tunes while hooked to a computer that measures your emotions. If you do not react appropriately (tears during Ol Yeller, feelings of awesomeness during Gladiator, rage during all boy band performances, etc) you will have points deducted. Note that you cannot possibly earn any points in this event, because appropriate reactions to certain movies and music is just expected of a man.

Event 10: Man vs wild, 2. You must attempt to subdue a cougar. 5 points for death, 10 points for making him tap out, 15 points if you can identify which parts of the cougar are edible and then you eat him.

Event 11: Man vs Man. You must take on your competitor in a fight, UFC rules and scoring apply. I don't know how UFC keeps score though, so we'll just say 10 points for a KO, 5 for a submission, and -10 for a loss.

Event 12: The Ultimate Man-inator. You must face a panel of judges comprised of Chuck Norris, George Strait, and Bruce Willis who are allowed to ask you any question or require you to perform any task, and then assign points according to their completely subjective whims.

There, that is my concept for the most badical television program that could possibly ever exist. If someone would agree to sponsor this blog, maybe we could make it happen.

Dr. Awesome