Friday, June 6, 2008

Mancrushes

Dr. Awesome,

When, if ever, are mancrushes permissible?

Tim, via email


Tim,

Is this your sly way of asking if you can mancrush me? I'm flattered, I really am, and you are in good company. There are half a dozen professional athletes I can't get to quit calling me...the Manning family, especially, I don't have time to go to the beach with you! Mancrushed are ok, but any time a man has a crush on another man, there are some very strict guidelines that the crusher must adhere to. There is a fine line between man adoration and unfiltered pansiness which, if you cross, you might as well go curl up on the couch in your silk pajamas with a glass of sparkling grape juice and two hours of some wussified movie like Fried Green Tomatoes. Today I will give you six guidelines for navigating this fine line, guidelines you can follow that will keep you from becoming another member of the sisterhood of traveling pants.

First, the object of your crush must be better than you are in some area of awesomeness that does not include physical appearance. He may actually be better looking than you, but that can't be the reason you crush him. If even one of the reasons you have a mancrush on a dude is because of the way he looks, seek counseling immediately, especially if the aspects you find most appealing include his hair, clothing, or abs. But if you have a mancrush on a dude because of his wicked guitar chops, his athletic ability, the fact that all his movies or music are badical, or because his name is Dr. Awesome, then you are in the clear. Whether it be a roundhouse kick that could decapitate someone or being able to pilot the Millennium Falcon in hyperspace, a man crush is to be based on amazingly awesome man skills that you have not perfected...yet.

Second, the object of your crush must be an actual man himself. You can have a man crush on George Strait, for instance, but not any of the members of Rascal Flatts. Please oh please somebody ask me what I think about Rascal Flatts, as I would LOVE to tell the world how I feel about those estrogenerators. Anyway, mancrushes only on real men. Chuck Norris? Yes. Richard Simmons? No. Mel Gibson in The Patriot? Yes. Mel Gibson in What Women Want? No.

Next, if you are awesome yourself, it is acceptable to have a mancrush on another man, provided that he is awesome in a different area than you. For example, Michael Jordan can mancrush on Mr. T, and vice versa, because one is a decent basketball player and the other one invented pity. Their expertises of awesomeness do not overlap, so they may crush each other. (Side note, imagine if Mr. T and Michael Jordan could somehow be fused into one person. Mohawked gold-chained dunks of pity are just what the NBA needs). Back on subject, if someone is of similar awesomeness in a similar area as you...say you are a redonkulous guitarist like Eric Clapton...you may respect Eddie Van Halen, but you may not mancrush him. Mancrushing someone so similar to yourself is basically mancrushing yourself, which is vanity. And real men are not vane.

Fourth, you may not have a mancrush on any man you have ever seen without clothing on. Dudity is an immediate disqualifier. Imagine that you work out at a gym, and there is this dude who is beastly strong...we're talking sets of 315 on bench press or something. You can mancrush on him...until you walk into the lockerroom and see him posing nude in front of the mirror. Mancrush off, manshun and manchastisement on. Unnecessary dudity is perhaps the worst thing a man can passively do to another man.

Also, a mancrush must never go too far. You may idolize your mancrush, and strive to be more like them. You might want to fight like Randy Cotoure, defeat terrorists like John McClain, or break tackles and score touchdowns like Bo Jackson from Super Tecmo Bowl. But as soon as you put up pictures of these dudes in your house, you've crossed the line. As soon as you start dressing or copying their accent, you've crossed the line. As soon as you name your son (or daughter?) after them, YOU HAVE CROSSED THE LINE! Try to respect yourself man! They are just human beings...admittedly more awesome human beings than you are, but humans all the same. Have some dignity...don't be like those losers who used to pass out every time The Beatles walked by. Note that The Beatles are unacceptable mancrushes, as you cannot have a mancrush on anyone over the age of 65 who is not named Sean Connery.

One last thing, on a slightly more serious note. When choosing a mancrushee, character is important, in that you shouldn't idolize men who are irresponsible and/or immature. There is one popular mancrush that seems to be accepted by the male nation that I have in mind: Tom Brady. Yeah, he's a championship quarterback and a fairly humble guy, for a star athlete. But he also got his girlfriend pregnant and then dumped her for someone younger and hotter. Now Dr. Awesome is not exactly perfect either, so it's not like I'm sitting here judging him without being willing to admit my own faults. But still, character should count when it comes to who we respect and idolize. So Tom Brady is not mancrush-worthy, and neither is anybody who doesn't respect women enough to marry them. Besides, if Brady were a true man of awesomeness, he would endorse Old Spice, not the pansified scents of Stetson.

Those are six handy rules that you should print out and keep in your back pocket as a reference for when you come upon men you are tempted to mancrush. I have to wrap up this column, as Petyon Manning is calling me AGAIN. Hope that helps you Tim.

Dr. Awesome

6 comments:

Austin June 6, 2008 at 11:01 PM  

I used to be concerned about my crush on Roger Federer but now you have restored my sense of manliness despite that crush. Thank you Dr. Awesome.

Ron June 7, 2008 at 10:10 PM  

Doc,
Could you comment on manly careers and please answer the question, can a manly man do ANY job, such as hair dresser, interior designer, competitive dancer, and retain his manliness.
ronzilla

g_bone June 9, 2008 at 10:29 AM  

I have pics of dudes in my closet, which sounds creepy typed out, but I think it is fine. I like to see Amre Stoudemire dunking on Mutombo's head and Allen Iverson crossing some helpless soul. They are all of athletes in action... I think the posed shots are where you get in trouble.

Rob June 18, 2008 at 5:19 AM  

I think I've got a mancrush on Mike Rowe from "Dirty Jobs." I'm just so impressed that the guy can hold up to the abuse with wry humor and is never ashamed to show his own ineptitude. And I envy some the cool stuff he gets to try...

Anonymous September 3, 2008 at 7:29 PM  

austin, i too have a man crush on roger federer. my gf doesn't understand it, but to anyone who likes to hit the fuzzy ones, it's hard not too. after all, he is "the maestro."

oddly, before RF came along, i was a huge Agassi fan, yet there was no man crush there. Could it be because RF is better looking than AA? i hope not. i think it's because RF is the smoothest, most skillful tennis player of all time, and by Dr. Awesome's definition, i'm in the clear. but man, doesn't roger look good in a tuxedo?

SB April 24, 2009 at 10:11 PM  

I'm not sure if girls are allowed to post on the mansite, but I'm going to risk it. Found you through SCL, and I'm in love - with the blog, I mean. And I'm glad you spoke out against the Tom Brady mancrush disorder. It is a serious issue that is seldom properly addressed. Thank you for stepping up.

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