Girl Vs Awesome Heroes

Dr. Awesome,

I have not seen the most recent Superman movie, Superman Returns, so last night I netflixed it. I was hugely disappointed...Superman cried like a little girl in it. What is wrong with our super heroes these days?

Dave, Baton Rouge, LA

Dave,

I couldn't agree with you more. The trend in movies lately has been to make the heroes have all these wussy issues to deal with. I think the idea has been to make the heroes seem more normal, more human...because all guys have issues and weakness and we can relate to heroes who are just like us, right? WRONG! It's true that everybody has issues, but I don't want my heroes to be just like boring average dudes who second guess themselves and struggle with their cholesterol. I want them to be Super. To help you out today, Dave, I've decided to group super heroes and action stars into two categories...heroes who are flippin' girls and heroes who are completely awesome.

Spiderman - Girl. He spent the first two movies plagued with doubt about his great gift and his great responsibility, not to mention that he is so sad that Mary Jane isn't with him. Then, Spiderman 3 was nothing but a cry-fest...even the Sandman bad guy gets all sentimental. Get over it. You have wicked spider skills, so stop being a whiner and start doing cool spider stuff. You ought to be able to "snare" any girl you want in your "web." Ha ha!

Batman - Awesome. This is not to say that Batman doesn't have some issues, because he does. But instead of letting his fear of bats turn him into a pansy, he embraces his fear and channels it into wanton destruction of various malcontents. Plus he has cool toys and a jet car.

Superman - Girl. I'm basing that on the most recent movie, where the baddest man on the planet cries because Lois Lane doesn't need him. Boo hoo. There are like 2.5 billion women on the planet, and you've got to figure that at least 1% of them are hot enough to be a Super Girlfriend. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and go find them. You are super fast, so surveying all of the hotties of the world should only take like an hour. What woman wouldn't want to be with a dude who can fly her to Paris for dinner every single night? Of course no real man would go to Paris, he'd take her to monster truck rallies.

Chuck Norris - Awesome. There is absolutely no trace of girlitude in Chuck Norris. One time he thought he might have some sort of emotional issue to deal with, but fortunately for us he roundhouse kicked himself until he was normal. You've all heard the Chuck Norris facts...not one of them is even remotely feminine. Chuck's awesomeness is almost an internet cliche these days, so I won't add anything to it (as if I possibly could contribute in any way to his blinding majesty).

Jack Bauer - Awesome. No super powers, but who cares...on any given episode of 24, Jack Bauer does more awesome stuff than most men will ever do in their entire lives. How many terrorists have you interrogated? Since I started writing this column, Jack has put bullets into 47 knee caps. I rest my case.

Arnold Schwarznegger - Awesome. One of the defining characteristics of a truly awesome hero
is that they have no emotional depth whatsoever. Emotional depth will only distract them from their chief duties - to blow up stuff and kill terrorists and/or aliens. If you think Arnold has any depth at all, go watch Commando or Predator or Terminator. All he does is dispense pain, usually with a great one-liner. Arnold did stray slightly into girl territory in the movie Kindergarten Cop though. I don't live in Califrornia, so I have no opinion about him as governor...but I know if I was a legislator, I would do what he wanted, no questions asked.

Karate Kid - Girl. He let a squirrely aged Asian man trick him into doing all his yard work. How he defeated the Cobra Kais is beyond me. By the way, how old is Ralph Macchio now? I'm pretty sure he was about 37 in that first movie, which would mean he is probably eligible for social security.

Sylvester Stallone - Awesome. Rocky is a little pansified about his woman Adrienne, but let's face it, if you can get Gorbachev to cheer for you like he did in Rocky IV then you aren't the least bit woman. John Rambo is also a thundering wad of testosterone. For the purposes of this column, we are pretending that the recent Rocky and Rambo movies never happened.

Connery or Brosnan as James Bond - Awesome. They never doubt themselves. They go rescue obscenely hot women from the evil clutches of nefarious geniuses bent on world domination, and then they drink martinis. Nothing remotely pansy about that. They also have watches with friggin' laser beams, which is cool.

Anyone else as James Bond - Girl. I just don't like the other Bonds. The jury is still out on Daniel Craig...I did like Casino Royale though.

Hulk Hogan - Awesome. Remember his theme song? He's a "real American" who "fights for the rights of every man." He has 24 inch pythons. He military pressed Andre the Giant. His vicious leg drop typically causes mild tectonic aftershocks. I'm still in awe at how great he was, despite the fact that he now always sports a fanny pack and his son is in jail.

Wolverine - Awesome. Wolverine is the baddest of all the Xmen. There are some who might be tempted to call him girly...after all, he did cry in Xmen 3 before killing the woman he loved. But, a girly man would not be able to grow those sweet sideburns. Plus he has retractable blades in his arms, a feature that would turn even Richard Simmons into a dude. Well, maybe not.

That's all I have for now, Dave. If any of you would like me to rate other heroes, ask me about them and I'll look at it some other time.

Dr. Awesome