Thursday, June 12, 2008

Crocs and Clogs

Dr. Awesome,

Can a man wear crocs or clogs?

Julius Benedict, Los Angeles, CA

Julius,

I'm assuming you mean crocs the rubber shoes, not crocs as in boots made from crocodile skins. There is no question a man can wear croc boots. Now obviously you know a man cannot wear crocs, based on your comment about Rascal FlatTs probably wearing them. I commend you for that. But I see that I need to give a little guidance to other men who are croc-tempted. That is why I am here, to sprinkle a little awesomeness on men everywhere. So let's talk crocs.

I'm sure that these crocs must be really comfortable, as there are tons 8th grade girls walking around in them in middle schools across America. That should be your first warning right there...no man should have anything to do with 8th grade girl fashion. A second warning, just because something is comfortable doesn't mean that it is acceptable for men to wear. Mrs. Awesome thinks there is nothing more comfortable than a fun little summer dress on a warm day, but that doesn't mean Dr. Awesome wants to go raid her closet when the temperatures start to rise. Comfort and functionality matter, but they don't trump self-respect.

Regarding the shoes themselves, crocs are made of rubber. Men should not wear anything on their feet that is not made of leather, blue suede, have cleats on them, or are steel toed. Maybe the occasional flip flop if you don't have hairy gorilla feet and you don't anticipate having to do roundhouse kicks that day (the shoes keep flying off, believe me, I've tried). Suppose you are taking a relaxing stroll in your crocs on your way back from instructing your lion taming class down at the local YMCA. Suddenly you come upon a burning building, and an old woman crying for help. Can you go rescue her? No, your crocs would melt to your skin, and you both would die. A man's shoes should not be able to be destroyed by a pair of Saf-T-scissors or a Chihuahua. You want shoes that can withstand the worst that nature has to offer...they need to be equally at home in a fire and in a tsunami. Crocs do not fit this bill...they are maybe useful in an aquatic setting, but for what? Keeping pelicans from biting your toes? If you are that worried about birds chomping on your feet, just don't go to the beach. Regardless, stick with shoes that are functional in every environment known to man.

Even if crocs were functional, they look idiotic. Men's shoes should only be one of three colors: brownish/tan, black, or white. Crocs are usually fluorescent pink, neon blue, and glowing green. There is never a time when a man's footwear should be visible in the dark. If the shoes would light up during cosmic bowling at your local alley, they are off limits. Nor should the shoes blend with the color scheme inside your local laser tag arena. Think subdued colors that don't call attention to your feet. You want the ladies staring at your biceps, not your glow in the dark middle school girl pseudo-sandals.

You also asked about clogs. Clogs are only for apron wearing strudel baking little Dutch girls named Gretel who sport oversized doilies on their heads and eat porridge for breakfast, or polka dancers. And the only dancing a man should ever do is "the sprinkler" or "the robot" or, on special occasions, "the lawnmower", and none of those require oddly shaped wooden shoes. Things might be different if you are a man in Holland, where cobbled footwear might help you find a mate. But 99% of you need to stay away from clogs.

So, Julius, can a man ever wear crocs or clogs? Ask yourself this; can you envision Charlie Daniels tapping his foot on stage while playing "Uneasy Rider" in a pair of crocs? Were any of the participants in Bloodsport wearing clogs? I didn't think so. Any man who desires to own a pair of either should join Glenn Dorsey on his next shoe shopping spree.

Dr. Awesome

6 comments:

wild bill June 12, 2008 at 2:54 PM  

Dr. Awesome,
Do you believe there are really any true new rock bands out there. I say new because a lot of the big name bands from the 80's have made a come back as of late which is awesome by the way. There just doesn't seem to be any real comparison with the so-called "rock bands" of today versus the guitar shredding, ear drum blowing vocas from the 80's.

thanks,
Wild Bill Atlanta,Ga

Alison June 23, 2008 at 10:36 PM  

So "Julius" submitted this...interesting...

T.W. July 1, 2008 at 2:46 AM  

you left out chuck taylors. a solid set of navy blue canvas shoes can comfortably walk a man around the world. you know... canvas, like what army tents and knapsacks were made out of, the same stuff that denim jeans are based on. i own a pair of nice leather loafers for suits and work, a pair of huge heavy caterpillar steel toe boots for when i'm riding my bikes, and for most of the rest of the time, i'm rocking the all-stars.

Jen July 1, 2008 at 7:34 AM  

Real men wear whatever they want to, and don't worry too much about what other people think.

Dr Awesome July 1, 2008 at 8:58 AM  

TW, I applaud your taste in footwear. You obviously have much to offer the world.

Jen, sure, real men wear whatever they want and don't care what others think. But REAL men don't even want to wear certain things, which is what I'm talking about.

nathan July 1, 2008 at 12:42 PM  

I am humbled by this article. Yeah, trumped in all regards, for on my feet are a decently old pair of Chacos my old girlfriend loathed with some extremity.

These days, I'm in a hair-growing-out phase where I grow out my facial hair for as long as I can before even I'm annoyed with it. A rather pretty female told me recently: "You know, you'd look kind of cute if you shaved your beard" - to which I gave a mocking guffaw, as if being representable was a despicable thing. My reasoning? "She should like me as I am."

Well, what if I'm a hairy-faced slob who wears old sandals for the sake of his pride? Is that marriage material?

What if I found out that my girlfriend grew out her nosehairs because "that's how God made me?" I would quickly retort: "God also made hell, but we shouldn't want to go there either, now should we?"

I have rested my case upon myself. I'm going to shave and recline the Chacos, lovely as they are in my eyes.

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