Mancations and Dudes Hanging Out

Dr. Awesome,

I have two friends that are going on a bros only trip to NYC together - just the two of them. Is it possible to do a man-cation to New York City, the epicenter of culture, bro-style? And if so, how should one go about documenting said masculine excursion, without the token "honeymoon" pics.

Sincerely,

-James

James,

Pregunta interesante. Usted no a menudo oye de dos hombres que continúan vacaciones juntos. Este levanta realmente una ceja. Oh, sorry about that, I just finished up a special report for President Calderón’s Presidential Daily Brief and have Espanol on the brain. I’ll try to finish the manswer in your native tongue. I understand your concern over your two buds. Two guys have chosen to spend their vacation time together, alone, just the two of them in New York City. Have you ever heard the verse: a cord of three is not quickly broken? Many don’t know the context of this verse in original Hebrew, but King Solomon was actually talking about guy road trips. Actually in that same chapter K-Solly is singing the praises of a two man caravan, so it may not be as bad as you think. He might go off the reservation a little bit when he's talking about snuggling for warmth, but the general point is that no man is an island, and it's good for us to party together.

I know there are a few things that may have given the misconception that NYC is not a place for masculine men to visit: the musicals, the New York Knicks, and Carson Daly immediately come to mind. But in reality, New York has a lot to offer. Sure, there is a high chance of taking honeymoon pics, as you call them. But you can avoid that by not allowing yourself to be photographed. That is a strategy I adopted a long time ago, and is the main reason you never read anything about me in the tabloids. Just take pictures of the architecture, the scenery, and the drunks urinating on the sidewalk. Those will be much better pictures than any picture of you anyway.

Now, as for NYC itself, I don’t think destination is where the focus should be. A man can make just about any locale drip testosterone if he wrings the rag hard enough. For example, I once took Mrs. Awesome to a ballet version of The Great Gatsby. When the lights dimmed, I took out my whetstone and pocket knife collection. While Mrs. Awesome enjoyed Twinkle Toes McTightpants prancing around, I ensured that all my knives were sharp enough to shave with. Then I shaved, because I am all about efficiency. So, these guys can make New York what they want out of it, the choice is up to them.

I know you specifically asked about vacationing in NYC, but since we have established that destination and the number in the party isn’t an issue, let’s broaden the scope on this one to make it a bit more applicable. Let’s address the topic of two men hanging out in general.

It is a widely known fact the optimal number of guys hanging out is three. This is why the pizza places offer the “3 for $5” deal, each male gets their own. The are many reasons why three is most advantageous number, but the main one being there is always a arbiter among the group. When men get together, they always get into pointless debates, such as “Is it misleading to call it an 8 foot sub when it is in fact 8 separate 1 foot subs?” or “Who would win a fight between William Wallace from Braveheart and Maximus from Gladiator?” (manswer: William Wallace in a romp). If you just have two guys, these important questions never get settled. Having a third party available to make an unbiased ruling is important, before people start performing the Diamond Dallas Page Diamond-Cutter on each other. "A cord of three strands" again...that K-Solly was a wise fella.

Unfortunately, we often find ourselves in situations where are third member is unavailable. Because of this I am going to compile a comprehensive list of as many acceptable/unacceptable actions I can think of for when you find yourself tag-teaming the night with only one other bro.

ACCEPTABLE

*Call your buddy and tell him to come check out your new big screen
*Watch the game together on the new big screen wearing body paint
*Go see X-men Origins: Wolverine
*Go eat at Outback Steakhouse
*Grab a dessert after your Outback Special and Aussie cheese fries
*Huddle together for warmth while stalking insurgents in the frozen mountains of Afghanistan

UNACCEPTABLE

*Call your buddy and tell him to come check out your new King size bed
*Watch the game together on the new big screen shirtless
*Go see X-men Origins: Wolverine without leaving a buffer seat. (Another example of the buffer urinal applying to all aspects of life.)
*Go eat at Outback Steakhouse and sit on the same side of the booth.
*Share the dessert. 2 spoons + 2 dudes = Eleventy Gazillion Shame Units
*Huddle together for warmth while watching anything on the Bravo channel

See the difference there? I think I've spelled it out pretty plain. If you and your pal are looking for something bromantic to do, try to stick with stuff in the same vein as that first list. That would make for a pretty fun buddymoon. For the record, I'm not wild about the terms "bromance" and "buddymoon," because they seem a little metro'd out. Any time I get together with my boys, it's a Testosterfest 9000. Well, that, or the gathering has a Department of Defense code name I'm not allowed to share. Anyway, hope all of this helps you counsel your buddies. You should probably tag along with them to NYC, just in case some important question like "how come two sheets of one-ply are not as comfortable as one sheet of two-ply?" pops up.

Dr Awesome

Dr. Awesome Readers Append Words to Random Images of Old Man Movie Screencaps Found on the Interwebs Celebrity Competition Bee Round 2

Last week, we started a little contest to help keep things rolling along here while I was busy unloading diapers and wielding fear into newborn baby boys. I want them to remember my face years from now if they decide to show up on my doorstep looking for my daughter. As I said last week, I like these competitions because I enjoy hearing from all of you and they give you a chance to shine. I said if it was successful, then it would become a regular feature. There were over 20 comments and that is considered a success at this site.

So, unless there’s an overwhelming number of you who truly despise the DARAWtRIoOMMSFotICCB we are going to make it a weekly thing. If there is a group of you who hates the contest, you should all get together and choose your strongest competitor. The group that enjoys the contest can get together and choose their representative. Then we can get the two of you together into an octagon for a no holds barred match where the winner would be allowed to choose the fate of the contest and receive an Exaltation from yours truly. We could also record it and put it on every one of the youtubes.

From here on out, the contest won’t have much commentary from me. It will be simple, clean, and let you get straight to work. But since we’re setting it up to use from here on out, I thought I would explain the template a bit. We’ll start with the last week’s screencap and list a few winners underneath. If you have a blog or a website of your own, be sure to be signed in when you leave your comment so your name will link to your site. This site isn’t by any means huge, but maybe if you win, it will drive some traffic your way. After that, there will be a new image, all of you will get going, and hilarity will ensue. Simple enough, right?

Well, lets get started with Dr. Awesome Readers Append Words to Random Images of Old Man Movie Screencaps Found on the Interwebs Celebrity Competition Bee Round 2.

James: “It took the director of Over the Top a few takes before deciding turning your hat backwards to gain super-strength was way manlier than taking suspenders on and off during an underground arm wrestling competition.”

X: “oh-no-oh-no-oh-no-oh-no. Not a woman to be seen, The Village People are waving fist-fulls of ones at me and I get the distinct impression someone behind me is staring at my butt. Shoot. What was the name of this bar?”

Hunter: “It was that moment - when he saw what the future would bring if he continued his career as a male stripper - that Lincoln Hawk decided to switch to arm wrestling.”

Now, lets see who's man enough to come up with something for this one:

Manswer Wagon VI

Well, we've been off schedule here for a couple of weeks, so it's time to get back on the manswer wagon. And what better way to get on the manswer wagon than to load up a Manswer Wagon and take off for manly parts unknown? Like Leroy Jenkins, let's do this.

Alright, one of my best and most respected friends happens to have a unreasonable fear of clowns, no doubt caused by some traumatic childhood experience. This is a serious issue in itself, but one that can certainly be kept under control as to allow him to live a normal, manly life. The real problem is that my friend admitted his fear of clowns to his father-in-law. Yes, the man who expects him to protect his precious daughter. DOH!!!! Normally I think honesty is paramount, but in this particular case, if it were me, I would have shared something else with my father-in-law. Like the fact that grizzly bears pee themselves and offer up buffalo as sacrifices to me when I enter the woods. But that's just me. So my question for you Dr. Awesome, is it ok for a man to have a fear of clowns? And is it ever appropriate to share that information with your father-in-law? D

D - There are things to be afraid of in life, including feminine products, catheters, and doctors who start every diagnosis with rubber gloves up the heiny. But nowhere among that list do you find clowns. It is not ok to be afraid of people or things that might kill you, because it is important to die like a man. The only time you are allowed to be generally afraid is if something somehow robs you of your manhood. So if a clown shows up throwing sharpened tampons at you while trying to insert a catheter, THEN you are allowed to be mortified. As for admitting weakness to your Father In Law, if he's any kind of Dad he knew these things already before he agreed to let his daughter get married. If you think he doesn't have a stash of clown makeup and a Bozo wig ready just in case he needs to show who the real Man of the family is, you're wrong. I'm already researching the psychological weaknesses of every boy I meet, just in case he tries to talk to my daughter and I need to ruin his psyche forever.

Dr Awesome, I am fairly new to your blog and I have a very concerning question. The other day as my brother-in-law and I were exchanging Chuck Norris Facts, my favorite of which is “There is not a chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard, just another fist”, my wife said “What is the deal with Chuck Norris? What is so great about him?” My brother-in-law decided that it was our mission to let her know what is so great about Chuck Norris. We tried everything from Chuck Norris’ push up to the boogey man’s nocturnal habits. None of this worked. Now I am not so naïve as not to know that there Chuck Norris “Facts” are actually Dr. Awesome facts but I do wonder how anyone can not think Chuck Norris is at least Dr. Awesome’s protégé. My question is two part, 1) how do I convey to my wife how awesome Chuck Norris is and b) how can I be like Chuck, or more importantly Dr. Awesome? Chris

Chris - Chuck and I go back a long way. Invasion USA was the first R rated movie I ever saw, and this blog is the best internet site that Chuck is completely unaware of. So it's pretty clear that he and I are tight. You can't possibly convey to your wife how awesome Chuck Norris is, any more than you can convey to a cucumber how magnificent a sunrise is. Not that your wife is a vegetable per se, but if she doesn't already perceive Chuck's majesty, then she's probably incapable of doing so, and is only alive right now thanks to his benevolent mercy. I recommend having her keep a low profile, so as not to arouse his ire. As for being more like Chuck, I recommend immersing yourself in the Walker Texas Ranger complete DVD set. Outside of the Bible, I know of no better place to learn every lesson you need to know in life.

Dear Dr. Awesome, I was at the gym the other day on the cross trainer (is that what the elliptical/stair stepper mix machine is called? Whatever.) on the center-most machine. There were five machines to my left and five to my right, all empty. All of the sudden, a random guy gets onto the machine right next to me! Immediately I thought of your bathroom rules and regulations. While the urinal rules don’t apply to me (you know, because it’s physically impossible for me to use one without one of these), I think the same rules should apply to the cardio machines at the gym. Considering the fact that he still could have seen the TV in front of the machine he chose a few machines away, was this guy out of line? Thanks! Mandy

Mandy - Thanks for the link to the Go Girl. There was a time when I would have been a little put off by something like that, but pregnancy has all but numbed me to awkward crotchal devices. I do think you are correct about urinal rules also applying to cardio equipment. For the record, the buffer urinal rule applies to every area of life I can think of. There is nothing worse than when you're jogging away and Sammy Sweatsalot passes all the other open treadmills just so he can saddle up next to you for an odorfest. Maybe you should make some homemade OUT OF ORDER signs to put on the machines next to you? Either that, or do something so annoying that no one would want to be near you. You could try getting off your machine and cheering him on like if he was running a race? Or maybe singing all the songs on your ipod at the top of your lungs? Nobody wants to exercise next to Vicki Vocals.

Dear Dr. Awesome, Men's olfactory systems are one of the top five out of the five senses of the human body. They are needed in order to know if the potato salad in the back of the fridge is overripe, finding out which shirt in a pile of dirty shirts is least dirty, and tracking falcons. However, those are all everyday useful things to smell. I find that after I clean out my belly-button or under my toenails I have the urge to smell it. And I know this is not just me, I've witnessed men smelling useless things multiple times. My question is why? Is this just unconscious nose-training? James

James - You lose points for referencing potato salad. As I have said before, you can only have a salad if green leafy vegetables are involved. The dish you are referring to is a potato medley. As for smelling your belly button lint, I have absolutely no idea why you do this. I'm a little grossed out by it, plus statistics show this leads to about 47 deaths nationally each year (note: verify this before posting). I do understand the desire to be proud of things you've put a lot of time and effort into making, but still, something about this just seems nasty. I'm sure there is a subset of the male population that does this, but there is also a subset that eats boogers. I wouldn't be surprised if these subsets overlap. Sorry James, but as clever as your question was, I'm gonna have to call shenanigans on the lint smelling.

Dear Dr. Awesome, I spent the past weekend at a spa. At this particular spa there is one side for women and one side for men. As I was lounging in the sauna, I couldn't help but wonder....are there any spa treatments that a manly man such as yourself would willingly sign up for? Thanks for the insight, Maridell

Maridell - Let me tell you a story somewhat related to this. A couple of years ago, after working out, I went into the wet sauna at my gym to sweat some. The steam was thick, I was alone, and I decided to test out the acoustics in the small tiled room. I had been listening to Lionel Richie's "Dancing On The Ceiling" on my ipod (don't judge me, that's a good song) so I started belting it out. After about 45 seconds, the steam began to clear some, and what I thought was a crumpled up towel in the corner began to move. Turns out it was a small Asian man, looking at me like I had lost my mind. So I just got my stuff and walked out. And that is why I don't want anything to do with spas, saunas, or anything else where I am not 100% in control and aware of my surroundings. Nothing manly is going to happen in there, only shame and Lionel Richie-related misfortune.

That's all for today's manswer wagon. A lot of good questions today, and I hope you don't feel shortchanged by me throwing them into a manswer wagon. But I am a little backed up in the pending manqueries, and this helps me to get caught up. Keep those questions coming though. I appreciate everyone's patience as I'm trying to get everyone manswered while simultaneously teaching Baby Awesome how to be my navigator for an upcoming motor cross rally. I should be caught up soon, because she's a quick learner. She has already learned to rewire her baby monitor to pick up the police scanner so she can fight crime at night. It wont be long until I can turn all my focus back to manswers. Later folks.

Baby Update

Dr Awesome,

How are things with the baby?

- about 30 different people via email and twitter who were kind enough to ask

People who care,

Thanks for asking about Baby Awesome. Things are going good here, though we're all still adjusting to the lack of sleep thing. Let me break character for just a moment to say that of the two dudes who make up Dr Awesome, I'm the one who didn't previously have a kid. The other one has a toddler daughter and another baby due in a few months. Me, after dealing with a pretty significant struggle to get pregnant (if that's you too, let me know in email if you'd like someone to talk to), we finally have a beautiful little girl. So despite the radical changes in our lives, we couldn't be more happy. Mom and baby are doing great.

In that vein, I wanted to share an extended quote I found from my travels around the internet. The article it comes from is very, very good too, but the quote is fantastic. It captures pretty well how I feel right now:


Most fathers-to-be suppose that their old ego-centered lives will continue more or less unabated after the child arrives. With the exception of a few more obstacles and demands on their time, their involvement with their children is envisioned as being something manageable and marginal. Nothing like a complete transformation—an abrupt end to their former life—really enters men's minds.

But then the onslaught begins, and a man begins to realize that these people, his wife and children, are literally and perhaps even intentionally killing his old self. All around him everything is changing, without any signs of ever reverting back to the way they used to be. Into the indefinite future, nearly every hour of his days threatens to be filled with activities that, as a single-person or even a childless husband, he never would have chosen. Due to the continual interruptions of sleep, he is always mildly fatigued; due to long-term financial concerns, he is cautious in spending, forsaking old consumer habits and personal indulgences; he finds his wife equally exhausted and preoccupied with the children; connections with former friends start to slip away; traveling with his children is like traveling third class in Bulgaria, to quote H.L. Mencken; and the changes go on and on. In short, he discovers, in a terrifying realization, what Dostoevsky proclaimed long ago: "[A]ctive love is a harsh and fearful reality compared with love in dreams." Fatherhood is just not what he bargained for.

Yet, through the exhaustion, financial stress, screaming, and general chaos, there enters in at times, mysteriously and unexpectedly, deep contentment and gratitude. It is not the pleasure or amusement of high school or college but rather the honor and nobility of sacrifice and commitment, like that felt by a soldier. What happens to his children now happens to him; his life, though awhirl with the trivial concerns of children, is more serious than it ever was before. Everything he does, from bringing home a paycheck to painting a bedroom, has a new end and, hence, a greater significance. The joys and sorrows of his children are now his joys and sorrows; the stakes of his life have risen. And if he is faithful to his calling, he might come to find that, against nearly all prior expectations, he never wants to return to the way things used to be.


Part of growing up for a man is getting married, becoming a dad, and having your old, selfish self destroyed. That's what is happening to me now, with sleepless nights and poopie diapers and cranky babies. It's not quite what I expected. But I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Like the quote said, there is a new contentment I've found, and I would never go back to the way things used to be. I can't wait to see what the future has in store. What a responsibility, privilege, and blessing it is to be a dad!

As for the baby, she's exactly what you would expect a child of Dr Awesome to be. She's 12 days old, and she's already finished the second P90X DVD. She also can recite the Apostle's Creed, and is working on a paper contrasting the Protestant and Catholic views of justification. She's kind of mad that I won't let her into my gun safe, but the rule around here is no guns before you are six months old. She is seriously considering following her dad's footsteps and starting a Babanswers blog to help the infants on the internet with their baby queries. Maybe I'll let her do a guest post sometime?

But seriously, thanks everyone for all of your well-wishes, thoughts, and prayers. It's a chaotic time around my household, but the chaos is filled with joy. I promise we'll get back to the regular format of questions and manswers next week. I need to go now, Baby Awesome is changing the oil in my truck and needs some help reaching the oil filter.

Dr Awesome

P.S. In an effort to get people to stop twittering about Michael Jackson, and because I think this article is stupid, I'm trying to get people to start coming up with their own ideas for longer state names. Check out my twitter page for what I have so far, and tweet your own suggestions.

Dr. Awesome Readers Append Words to Random Images of Old Man Movie Screencaps Found on the Interwebs Celebrity Competition Bee

First off, I want to thank everyone again for the support over the past week. I think it is only because your thoughts and well wishes that I was able to escape the hospital without any of the doctors wanting to examine me in private ways. I am deeply indebted to you. Secondly, as you can imagine things are a bit off kilter here at Casa de Awesome and because of this, no manswers the past few days. Hopefully no one has had any estrogenic setbacks in my absence.

To make up for the lack of regularly scheduled manswers, I thought we could have another little contest. I like the idea of a contest because I don’t have much time now that tending my young has been added to my list of daily responsibilities. The only reason I am able to get this posted is because I used one of those baby backpack things while out hunting and gathering (not one of those expensive Bjorn things, but one that I fashioned from a Hulk Hogan fanny pack I had from the 80’s and some duct tape.) I like having contests because of the interaction and community aspect. I also know you are way more creative than I could ever be. Proof: I’m ripping off someone else’s idea for a contest. But just like the 2009 Dr. Awesome Memorial Buy Friendship With Dr Awesome Manliness Contest of the Stars, I don’t think it has ever been applied to a blog that manswers manqueries, so for all intensive purposes we’ll consider it an original idea.

So today I am introducing The Dr. Awesome Readers Append Words to Random Images of Old Man Movie Screencaps Found on the Interwebs Celebrity Competition Bee. Here’s how it will work. I’ll post a screencap from one of the classic man movies we have grown to love from decades past and all of you will add a caption by leaving it in the comments. I’ll pick the best one. This way I get to laugh, you get to let your creative juices flow, and Baby Awesome gets to keep loading up diapers every hour. It’s a win-win-win.

As for the prize, originally it was going to be another stick of Old Spice, only this time signed with Baby Awesome's footprint, but then I began to worry about identity theft. Also, if this turns out to be a success (determined by your feedback/participation), it may become a regular feature here and that could get expensive (unless some big company decides to officially sponsor me, hint hint) (yes, that's a shameless appeal, but I have mouths to feed) (I know you can't feed babies with deodorant, so maybe they'll send some cash along with the antiperspirants) (but seriously, I'll take anything free you want to send me). So I decided that the winner will receive the envy of everyone else for being a victor here and will go down in the TEMAM Hall of Fame (if/when one ever comes into existence). Or, if you really want something tangible, I suppose I could mail you one of Baby Awesome used burped cloths. I like to give my readers options.

Let’s get this started right. Here is your picture, now get to cracking:

Scheduled Outage

No manswers today. Mrs. Awesome is in the labor and delivery room and I am hiding in the shadows as to avoid any roaming prostate doctors with time on their hands.

Back to regularly scheduled Q&M's after we get home and make sure the breast milk clearly labeled.

Dr. Awesome

Guide to Undershirts

Dr. A, I’m in a bowling league with a few buddies. To participate, the team has to wear matching shirts. One of the guys got there late and was getting ready in the little sitting area in front of all the lanes. No big deal until he went to put on the bowling shirt. He had to take off his first shirt and when he did he was standing there topless. No Undershirt! We all made fun of him, but he argued that we had no right, an undershirt would constrict him and throw off his game, and there was no man law requiring an undershirt. What gives Dr. A, is there an undershirt man law?

Thanks

Mr. 300

Mr. 300,

Long manswer today, lucky you.  I hate to kick you while you’re down, and by down I mean having just recently witnessed a set of man nipples in a smoke infested bowling alley.  But I once bowled a 325 using a 65 pound bowling ball made of solid granite.  I won’t keep pouring salt in that wound. Rather, I will come with some good news and let you know you were completely in the right on this one.  But before I get on with it, I wanted to add that I do feel sorry for the man that is restricted by a simple t-shirt.  What a weakling...I bet he bowls with the bright pink kiddie balls.  He will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Your story got me to thinking, is there a faction of men out there who don’t know the unwritten rule of the undershirt? Are there confused males out there who don’t know that the undershirt is part of the 5 staples of men clothing attire? Well, I’m not willing to take any chances. I’m going to use this platform to provide you with a dummies guide to a man’s undershirt. Finally, the unwritten rules shall be written.

The first time I floated the Amazon, my wise Brazilian jungle guide told me, “You don’t know where you are going if you don’t know where you started.” So, we’ll start at the beginning, with the previously mentioned 5 staples of the male wardrobe.

1. Pants –Includes jeans, khakis, or shorts. Above all, this is first and foremost on the list.  As unfortunate as it may be at times, a male can be seen in public without a shirt, but pants are always a requirement.  No jorts though.

2. Shirts – Includes t-shirts, polos, button-ups, and/or Kevlar vests

3. Shoes – To quote myself: most guys need some shoes to run/work out in, some steel toed work boots (preferably Red Wings), some dress shoes, maybe some casual flip flops if you don't have disgusting hairy feet, some snow shoes you made from the tendons of dead beasts, waders for fly fishing

4. Undershirt – 100% white cotton, Hanes or Fruit of the Loom will do just fine. There is no need to waste money on the expensive brand undershirts. Undershirts are like all you can eat Chinese buffets, you are looking for quality for cheap. Why pay more for roasted dog meat when you accomplish the same thing for less?

5. Boxers – Last on the list because these are not a requirement unless you are wearing a rented tux. Everyone knows it is unacceptable to go commando in another man’s fatigues. Boxers are preferred, but not a necessity, as sometimes the support provided by boxer briefs is welcome. Also note that tighty whiteys are not a valid option for most men. They should be abandoned when you stop wearing shoes with velcro instead of laces, but are acceptable again when you qualify for social security.

Sorry for the long introduction, but I had to make sure you understood the basics. I have been rocking the undershirt since I was in about the 6th grade. That is approaching two decades of undershirt experience, so I consider myself somewhat of an expert. I have compiled a short list of five of the most important rules pertaining to undershirts that every male should know. These are not all the rules, but I tried to condense it so anyone who desires can print it out and duct tape the list to the back of their closet door.

Rule 1: Always, always, always wear an undershirt. No one wants to see your man hair sticking out of the top of your shirt. No matter how good you think it looks, it doesn’t.  Really, it doesn’t. I have also noticed that a lot of the men who like to sport their chest patch for everyone’s viewing displeasure also think a gold chain accents it nicely. Again, it doesn’t.  You are not Gerardo, and life is not like the song Rico Suave.

Rule 2: You can never err with the white undershirt. I have noticed more and more recently that a few explorative young males are venturing out with different colored undershirts. This is getting into a grey area (no pun intended). This color coordinating of the undershirt suggests that maybe a little too much thought went into your attire for the day. This effectively turns what you are wearing into an “outfit,” and “outfits” should be reserved to the women, children and metrosexuals only.

Rule 3: Know when enough is enough. Just like all men have our favorite boxers, we will eventually develop a favorite undershirt. One that feels like silk from the many washings, one that molds to the folds of our man gut just perfectly, one that you know doesn’t do the annoying “undershirt becomes untucked, outer shirt still tucked causing everything to look all bunched up” thing. Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end.  Eventually your prized undershirt will, no matter how great of a detergent you use, become yellow and will have to be torn into strips and used to either dress wounds in the field of battle or to wash your truck.

Rule 4: Know your size. The size of your undershirt can make all the difference in the world. Too big, and it results in the much dreaded bunches. Too small, and you run the risk of cutting off the blood flow to your arms, rendering you useless if a vicious cockfight breaks out. Another issue with it being too big is that you have shreds of white cloth peeking from underneath the sleeves of your polo, resulting in a very sloppy look. When you are fitted with the appropriate size, you put your undershirt on and never think twice about it is, looking debonair all the while.

Rule 5: Actually an exception to rule #1 – When not to wear an undershirt. For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven (Ecc 3:1), and this also includes a no undershirt season. I’m sorry if you do not agree with this rule, but as you can clearly see, it is Biblical, so no arguing. There are only two times no undershirt is acceptable. One, when you are wearing your favorite t-shirt. Your t-shirt probably displays a message inviting everyone to purchase tickets to the gun show, and if you have your guns concealed by an undershirt, it completely defeats the point of your outer t-shirt. Second, you can go without an undershirt if you are in Hawaii, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, have a badical mustache, and do private investigative work.  Magnum PI is awesome.

There is one more thing that is important to mention: A wife-beater is not considered an undershirt. Undershirts are honorable and useful, while wife-beaters serve no purpose and are void of all moral character.  The wife beater fails to pass certain criteria to get it classified as a member of the undershirt species. One, it does nothing to conceal the man patch of chest hair that looks like a chipmunk trying to climb from your chest to your neck. Two, the undershirt serves as a secondary line of defense between your under arm funk and the rest of the world.  The wife beater is no help here.  Three, any clothing that is closely associated with physical assault on people you are supposed to protect is strictly off limits.  Four, I don't really have a four, but longer lists are more impressive.  Five, see what I mean by that?  So wife beaters are trash and are to be avoided by the sophisticated man.

One other thing I must address is the V-neck. I am somewhat conflicted over it. On one hand they seem to be nothing more than a wife-beater with sleeves, still allowing the chest hair to runneth over. On the other hand, my granddad was perhaps the manliest man I ever knew and he exclusively wore V-necks.  I think for now I’m going to camp on the side of V-necks being acceptable only for grizzled old men, much like tighty whiteys.  Perhaps they are a sign of wisdom?  Maybe it is something we just can’t understand until we’re older.   

So, Mr. 300, please enlighten your friend to the copious benefits of undershirts. Maybe you can convince him with what may be the best aspect of an undershirt, that you never have to worry about getting your good shirt dirty. Think about it, you’re out hanging with your bowling team and an opportunity to change some oil or maybe do some light sheet rock work at your buddy’s house comes up. Just slip your embroidered bowling shirt off and you are ready to rock. It’s a wonderful thing.

Until next time, men keep rocking those undershirts proudly.

Dr. Awesome

Your Wife Wants You To Pamper Yourself?

Dr. Awesome,
My wife sells lotion and beauty supplies from home and expects me to try all her new creams and concoctions out. I want to support her but is exfoliation equal to surrendering to the Dark Side of Metro from which there is no hope of return? In my defense I am a firefighter and a carpenter so does that manliness cover me for the occasional wash, tone and moisturizing that the wife wants me to participate in? Please help!

Ex-Exfoliator, Rochester NY

Ex-Exfoliator,

From what I can see you have a lot going for you: woodworking, quenching fires, sly Pink Floyd references, desire to support your spouse, a great comic book name. Reminds me a lot of myself when I was two years old. So you seem to be a pretty well rounded man of high caliber, and I applaud you for that.

There is however a flaw in your logic. Don’t feel like I am picking on you specifically here Ex-Exfoliator; I think a lot of us men have a similar misconception, so I need to take this opportunity to set the record straight. Some guys mistakenly view Manliness vs. Metroness like it is some sort of bank account, where as long as you have a positive balance, you are ok. That's fine if you want to look at it that way. But the misconception comes in when we try and assign manliness values to certain things. For instance, let's say you think eating the Pounder at a place like Cheeburger Cheeburger earns you 10 testosterunits. You might be tempted to think to yourself great, I just did something manly, so I'm entitled to a glass of bananaramaberry mango-dew tea. That's only -5 testosterpoints, right? So I'm still in positive man territory. What happened here is the classic mistake that we all make. Overestimating the manliness of something you did, while underestimating the nonmanliness. Sort of like how we always think we're better drivers than we really are, we just aren't very good at gauging our own activities. As a rule of thumb, anything manly we do is probably only 1/10th as manly as we think it is. And anything wussified we do is probably 10 times more wussified than we first suspect. So in our example, rather than being 10 - 5 = 5 testosterunits, in reality it’s 1 - 50 = -49 testosterunits. That one fruity splash completely wiped out the other manly aspects of your meal. It's the Dr Awesome Theory of Decimals, coming back to bite you in your pansified buttockulars. You started out wanting to be manly, but wound up thoughtfully considering the divine secrets of the ya ya sisterhood. Shame.

If you insist on viewing your manliness as a balance scale where if you drop estrogenic acts of shame on one side then add a few testosteriffic deeds on the other to steady everything out, you wind up with this problem. One Celine Dion CD is not balanced out by one Hank Williams Jr CD. It takes the entire Bocephus catalog just to counteract one hearing of "My Heart Will Go On." So if you prefer to view manliness as some sort of ledger, you better work pretty hard at having a less exaggerated view of your masculinity and a more exaggerated view of your pansitude.

That's why I don't prefer this method of calculating manliness. Sort of like one drop of ink turns a whole glass of water black, all it takes is one pansified track to ruin an entire music collection. All it takes is one ex-foliation to ruin an entire life of being foliated. One moment of wussitude completely negates a life of being testosterful. If the standard is perfection, we're in trouble.

I think there's a better way of reckoning manhood. If you can't live a life of perfect awesomeness, what if somebody else did, and then in some sort of great exchange, you got the credit for their badicalness while they got the punishment for your pansitude? That would be good news. It wouldn't really be fair to the Manly Guy, but part of Him being so Manly would be His willingness to do that for you, a lowly wuss. In that scheme, rather than perpetually trying and failing to live a life of being awesome, you do the best you can and trust in Manly Guy's alien awesomeness. If manliness is credited to you rather than earned, it certainly sets you free from worrying about being condemned for your occasional dabbling in face cream.

But back to the manswer at hand. As far as your wife goes, it is definitely manly for husbands to support their wives. But supporting in this way is just a bad idea. For one thing, men are supposed to be foliated. I'm just assuming this, because I have no idea what foliation is. But since I have never ex-foliated, it's logical to assume that I have many years of foliage built up. Obviously this is an asset that I was meant to have. I kind of view it like the appendix. Nobody knows what the heck it is for, and you can live without it, but why would you? The appendix was probably used by cave men for digesting mastodon tusks or something, and I suspect foliation has a similar function. Why would you deliberately get rid of that ability? Plus, what if you exfoliate once, and decide you like it? It's a slippery slope from scrubbing your face with cucumbers to getting home from work and heading straight for a bubble bath with candlelight and imported cheese. It's better to not even try this stuff, because if you wind up liking it, you could get hooked. Remember in the 80s, the big "Just Say No" campaign? That was about smoking crack, which you should also avoid I suppose. But it applies to creamy lotion as well. Please, for the good of your family, stay away from drugs and metrosexual pampering. Don't let your wife tempt you into this lifestyle. She is an evil temptress, and she must be resisted. It only takes one spark to set a forest on fire, as I'm sure you well know. So don't even let there be a hint of this stuff in your life. Just get your wife to try this junk out on your daughter. If you don't have a daughter, make one, or adopt.

It is important to do manly things like working with wood and then dousing it with water when it erupts in flames. You are a very manly man for doing those things. But really, being a firefighting carpenter doesn't buy you anything. Even the littlest bit of pansitude cancels that out. I recommend fleeing from your wife's bottled wussitude, and trusting as you do this in the true manliness of He who is the Most Manly Guy of all.

Dr Awesome

Not A Manswer - Rant on Teenage Angst Television

This is not a manswer, but this is my blog dang it, and sometimes I just feel like ranting. Yesterday Mrs Awesome was feeling pregnant and uncomfortable, which isn't suprising since she is now officially past her due date. We were supposed to be taking naps, but since she was so uncomfortable, she just decided to sit and watch DVDs instead. Now Mrs Awesome likes those ridiculous shows featuring teenage angst, so yesterday's feature was the JJ Abrams before JJ Abrams was cool show Felicity. I was laying there in that pseudo nap state of incoherence, but I did catch a few minutes of one episode. I'll be honest, I really don't understand the fascination with this show or shows of this type. This is a summary of Felicity, Dawson's Crack, and pretty much all of the shows that Mrs Awesome loves:

Main Character is a teenager/20-something adolescent with issues that he/she thinks are complicated but really aren't that complicated if he/she would quit whining about his/her problems and just do something about them. There is always a love-triangle, though sometimes the triangle expands to other geometric shapes, such as a love-quadrangle, love-trapezoid, or love-rhombus. Other members of the love-rhombus also have complicated-but-not-really issues that they think are very important, though ultimately these issues are also very unimportant and would be solved if people were just honest with each other. These issues get rehashed week after week, episode after episode, while each character of the love-rhombus shacks up with some other character, creating new unimportant issues that wouldn't have existed if the people would stop fornicating. Finally, there is usually some authority figure who causes problems for all of the parties involved by assigning needless homework, making their minimum wage jobs difficult, putting them in prison on charges of larceny...typical things your average teenager deals with. Oh, and there is almost always a loveable gay character who himself is part of an (un)complicated geometric relationship, probably an icosahedron.

Watching shows like this is extremely frustrating for me, because I know what would fix their problems. It boils down to this: total honesty. Stop beating around the bush and say exactly what you mean and mean what you say. Felicity would have been maybe half an hour instead of 4 seasons if any one of the supposed men on there had manned up enough to say what he was really thinking at the beginning of the show. No games, no guessing, just people saying what they mean and meaning what they say. Of course they would also have less problems if they didn't hop into and out of bed with each other as often as they change socks, but I'd like to think that little bit of wisdom is obvious. What, you mean life would be less complicated if I didn't say "we're married" with my body while saying "I'm still trying to decide how I feel about you" with my mouth? Sweet Moses people are confused these days.

That leads me to Dr Awesome's Relationship Rules. These are rules for getting into a relationship...once you are in one, there are different rules (actually just one rule, "quit being a selfish bozo"). Anyway, pay attention, ye single people, this will be helpful for getting that special someone.

1) Know what you want
2) Find someone else who knows what they want, and don't settle for someone who doesn't
3) Always say exactly what you are thinking, and expect the same

Guys, be intentional and honest and don't settle for a girl who isn't looking for that in a man. Girls, be intentional and honest and don't settle for a man who doesn't treat you that way. There, I just transformed all of the love-rhombuses into love-circles of brutal honesty. All of the teenage angst dramas can turn off their cameras now, I solved your whole show.

And don't even get me started on the music on these shows. I'd rather listen to the sound of a baseball hitting me in the face hundreds of times than listen to "I don't wanna wait..." ever again.
Felicity/teenage angst shows-rant over. That's why I watch more awesome shows like Deadliest Warrior. I don't have cable at my house, but I watched some episodes of this show on the internet and now I am hooked. Let's get these guys to settle the Superman Vs Yoda thing.

Dr Awesome

1 Year Maniversary Results!

I've gotten a lot of fantastic responses to the 1 Year Maniversary Contest. It warms my heart to know that so many of you are out there doing so much manly stuff. Trying to narrow down the submissions I got into the manliest one is next to impossible. I've done many impossible things in my day...I've clapped with one hand, I've divided by zero, I've determined the number of angels that can dance on the head of a needle (manswer: pi). Picking a winner in this contest is right up there with all of those things.

Let me go through some honorable mentions first. Many of you talked about specific things you did for the Kingdom. Obviously your reward will be greater than anything I could possibly bestow. Some of you served your wife or children, some of you became husbands or dads for the first time, some of you were leaders of groups, some of you sought emotional and spiritual healing. But all of you lived out your calling and took steps down the narrow road. You are a fantastic bunch of guys serving an even more fantastic Savior, and you have my heartfelt admiration.

Southpolesteve went to the South Pole. He's very fortunate that his name is Steve, as southpolericardomontalban doesn't flow quite as well. But props to you and your antarctic adventure, very manly.

Nick the Geek built a t-shirt cannon. He posted some video of it in action a while back, very impressive. Personally I think he should have focused his efforts more on making a Krispy Kreme Doughnut Glaze Fire Hose, because I can't think of anything more glorious. But still, cannons are manly. Nicely done.

Sam Vimes and Nathethetycoon both had very very manly years. They packed quite a lot of stuff into the past 12 months. If this were a contest for who had the manliest overall year, you two would have to wrestle to win the title. Vladz would be the guest referee, as building a stone wall is pretty tough.

Ryan gets props for being a good steward of nature as well as for using proper engineering forumulas for calculating torque. Svenn went to war, which is much appreciated. And Peter evidently has a mouse that is capable of dictating his speech (Peter's, not the mouse's) (although a mouse that can hear and understand English can probably speak it too I guess).

Chris.Winkelman, uncle to numerous children, got his lumberjack on and chopped down a tree with an axe. Points deducted for not taking advantage of technology, points restored for being badical.

All of you were especially awesome, and I thank you for your submissions. But our winner looked certain death in the eye and, rather than blinking, he kicked it in the private regions. There were many other manly things done this year, but none of them compare to X's narrative about single-handedly defeating a piece of machinery that is ten times his size. X seems to modest to say, but I suspect that if robots ever turn on us, he'll be the one out there on his mountain bike leading the charge. So everyone, please join me in honoring X, the winner of the 1 Year Maniversary Contest of the Stars Championship Cup Regata Open Pro-Am Tour for the Cure.

X, email me your info, and I'll get you the autographed Old Spice. When you get it, please send in a picture of you with it, doing something awesome, like maybe fighting kimono dragons with your mountain bike. As for everyone else, thanks for participating. Seriously, I appreciate you reading and helping to make this blog entertaining. God bless you all.

Dr Awesome

Serious Post - Pacifists

Doctor Awesome,

I have a question about pacifism that I'm hoping you can womanswer.
I'm a Mennonite (no, not the prayer cap type, and yes, I do have indoor plumbing), and I'm wondering if it is possible for a pacifist to be manly. I don't mean a pansy who is afraid of dying and uses the term to try to make his cowardice socially acceptable. My question is specifically aimed at Christian pacifists who don't use physical force against others for religious reasons.
There are many stories of Christian pacifists being burnt at the stake because of their "heretical" beliefs (such as not baptizing their children). It seems like taking a stand for your beliefs and not backing down is pretty manly. More recently, some Christian pacifists in WWII served as smokejumpers who parachuted to forest fires in hard to reach areas instead of fighting in the war. Surely firefighting + skydiving = manly, right?
Also, pacifists are still able to participate in many manly activities, such as wild boar hunting, football watching, and Little Debbie eating.
So, from my biased point of view, I see the possibility of manly pacifism, but I am not certain, because many manswers involve using (occasionally deadly) physical force against another human being. Is there perhaps a clause that exempts pacifists from these obligations?
If, in fact, there is no chance for pacifists to be manly, do you happen to have a graph or chart handy that ranks their un-manliness in comparison with other non-men such as loofa-users, capri-wearing men, and Richard Simmons?

Peace,
Angy

Angy,

Now THIS is an interesting question. Usually I get questions related to such highly intellectual concepts as fart jokes and who would win hypothetical fights between the General Lee and KITT from Knight Rider (manswer: General Lee, of course). So it's interesting to get something a little weightier. Out of necessity, this manswer will be addressing aspects of Christian theology, and won't be as deliberately ridiculous. So if that's not your cup of tea, I recommend checking back in later. On to the manswer.

There is much to respect about pacifism. As you said, standing up for your convictions is pretty manly. I happen to agree that physical violence is not the best solution to most situations. Jesus often took this approach, even suggesting that we "turn the other cheek" when being assaulted rather than returning violence for violence. And it's clear that as individuals we don't have the right to take the law into our own hands, to exact vengeance for various ways we have been persecuted. So in these respects, I'm with the pacifists.

Where I part company with pacifism is in the idea that violence is NEVER called for. I think it shouldn't be used except as a last resort. But as Kenny Rogers says in the immortal classic "Coward of the County" "Sometimes you gotta fight when you're a man." For example, if I am walking down the street and I see a man physically assaulting a woman, it is my moral obligation to stop him by force if necessary. Or if I am being attacked...I don't interpret "turn the other cheek" to mean "stand there and take it, don't defend yourself." Or in the various situations I've talked about on here before, such as someone using the wrong urinal or wearing a Rascal Flatts shirt, a violent beat down is the only option. So for me personally, my conviction is that violence is not preferred, but sometimes is a moral obligation. Jesus whipped up on some money-changers, after all.

Hopefully I'm not setting up a straw man here. I realize that most pacifists wouldn't stand idly by and watch someone kick puppies. Pacifists object to using "deadly" force, and this is where the difficulty arises. Is it ever ok to take another persons' life? The pacifist would say no; I would say perhaps in certain contexts. The commandment is that we shall not murder, and not all killing is murder. Motivation is key. Killing in self-defense, in defense of country, and so on would not be considered "murder" in the strictest sense. So I have no problem with a Christian in the Army, or a Christian police officer that shoots and kills a perpetrator who is attacking him. I certainly think there is room to disagree about this, though, so if any Christian pacifist says that they want to avoid these professions, I don't have a problem with that. Like I said, I admire folks who stick to their convictions.

But let's talk convictions for a second. Paul gets into this when he talks about meat sacrificed to idols, whether folks could/should eat that or not. Basically, after pagan worship services, some of the animals that had been sacrificed would be sold at a cheaper rate. Some Christians saw this and thought "no way, we can't eat meat tainted with the evil of pagan worship!" Other Christians thought "discount meat! score!" Paul says it is ok for folks to have different opinions on this. You want to eat that meat? Go for it. You want to avoid it? That's fine too. The problem only arises if you try and force your convictions on somebody else. If you say "I can't eat that meat, and neither should you" you've crossed the line. We aren't allowed to call each other out for things that scripture doesn't specifically reference. If you are lying and fornicating and all that, I can call you out, since there are explict scriptures pertaining to that. But if, say, you want to be in the Army, while I think being in the Army is against my convictions, I'm not allowed to bind you with what binds me. There's no scripture that says "thou shalt not be in the Army." So it's entirely possible for God-fearing Christians to come to different conclusions on the matter. In fact, any time you say "all good Christians should/shoudn't X" and that X is not addressed by scripture, you've crossed the line into legalism. We aren't allowed to impose our convictions on other people.

Sorry, I've gotten way beyond the scope of your question. You asked if it was manly to be a pacifist, and my manswer is "sure, if that's your conviction, then stick to it." I agree with that position in a lot of ways, though I wouldn't consider myself a pacifist. And we're cool as long as you don't tell me I have to be a pacifist too, and I don't tell you to go rough up some folks. Agree to disagree kind of thing. I hope that was helpful. Back to less theological manswers soon.

Dr Awesome

Beards and Shaving

Dr. Awesome:

Forgive me if you have already addressed this, as I am a new reader. Just how close does a man need to shave? At what point does the multiplication of blades within shaving heads become girly?

Thank you for you help.

Robert

Robert,

Have you ever heard the saying about waking up on the wrong side of the bed? I’ve never really understood how getting out of one side of bed or the other could affect your mood. Unless we're talking about a mattress I had for a while in college. There was a spring exposed on one side, and if I hit it just right, I’d feel a tingly sensation all down my spine, and decide that class should be avoided that day. Don't want to risk becoming paralyzed, after all. Well, when I read your manquery I tried to think of a phrase that meant the exact opposite of "waking up on the wrong side of the bed." That's because you started with a request for forgiveness, on the off chance you were wasting my time. That’s very admirable, it's like waking up on the correct side of the bed. It’s men of honor like you that I like to manswer for. So let’s get to it.

I did a little reading in between the lines of your question and it appears that there's a misconception that I need to address. After I get that out of the way I'll tackle your intended questions.

I need to debunk the myth that every man needs to be shaven, as if a gigantor beard is a bad thing. I'm not sure where such buffoonery originated. I can guarantee it wasn't the man who invented Sloppy Joe's, but this belief has been floating around for a while. I remember right before I was about to graduate from college, I attended a seminar that supposedly helped seniors with their resumes, had tips for interviewing, and so on. One of the "tips" was to be sure to have washed, well maintained hair as well as a clean shaven face. I remember thinking to myself "what sort of estrogentric nonsense is this?" Any job that would disqualify me immediately for having a thick facial mane of glory is a job I don't want any way. I understand wanting to appear presentable, but there is nothing better on a man than a massive beard. We're talking an unruly beard, dense enough that woodland creatures might be tempted to make their home there. We're talking a beard so long you could tie a hook on the end and use it to scale large buildings. Beards so full you can use it for shelter if you find yourself stranded in a desert. If I'm a hiring manager, and a prospective employee walks in with a beard like that, I'm giving him the job, whatever it is, with no other questions asked. He's probably homeless anyway and could use the income. So really, this idea that beards are undesirable is balderdash. Anyone who doesn't like beards is just sad that they don't have one.

That said, there are good reasons to not have a beard. Maybe you don't want to have something your MMA opponent can grab. Maybe your drill sergeant will make you run for days if he spots a single whisker. Maybe you are trying to infiltrate a merry band of effeminate terrorists. Maybe all you want is a glorious Tom Selleck-type mustache rather than a full beard. Maybe you are genetically incapable of growing a facial mane. Or maybe your wife doesn't want you to grow one because it is "too scratchy." If you fall into one of these categories, and I trust that you do Robert, then it's alright to be clean shaven.

But I think for the manly man, this is an all or nothing deal. You either want to be clean shaven, or on your way to beardly glory. There should be no stops along the way. There are some guys out there who think they look great with perpetual scruff. They deliberately shave down to where it looks like they have about 2 days worth of growth, and that's where they make their home. This is akin to getting about 20 feet up the face of a mountain and then saying "I'm going to hang out here pretty much forever." This is pure shenanigans. Either finish the journey, or don't even start. Your options are facial hair or no facial hair. The realm of quasi-hair is off limits. I'm not saying you can't maybe let the beard go for a couple of days in between shaving, especially if you run out of sand paper and you need to smooth out some wood with your face. What I'm talking about are the guys who live in this pseudo-region, who are always on the cusp of that awkward stage where you aren't sure if they are trying to grow a beard or just trying to look like an idiot. Don't be that guy. Go all or nothing.

So a man should be pretty close to clean shaven, or on the journey to Beardy Beardy Land. He should not make his home in between. You asked about the multiplication of blades as well. I have noticed that there have been a lot of gimmicks lately to try and entice men to buy more expensive razors. First they went to TWO BLADES! That was fine for a few years, but eventually they realized that if two is good, THREE IS BETTER! And since men often shave while traveling up to three times the speed of sound, it's the MACH3! Wait, why not jack up the MACH3 a little bit by adding battery power? Who doesn't want electricity flowing through metal tools that you swish in water? MACH3 TURBO! But hold on, only three blades is for idiots. What about FOUR BLADES! OMG ROFL LOLCATS! It's the Quattro, which is sort of like "four" in Spanish, and therefore adds the spicy flair of Hispanic Romance! And let's put an electric sideburn trimmer in the handle, just to add to the possibility of mild electric shock. And on and on it goes. I'm actually using an experimental razor from Gillette called the Gillette Conquistador that features 37 blades and is big enough that the other day while I was shaving my chin I accidentally lopped off an eyebrow. Realistically, I think there's no reason to go over two or three blades. All that other stuff is just marketing gimmicks. Or you could really man up and go with a straight razor, but please be careful not to decapitate yourself. That's just not how you want to start your day.

So Robert, hopefully tomorrow morning when you are standing in front of the mirror staring at a full day of beard growth, you'll be equipped to make a decision. Either shave it off (using a reasonable number of blades) or, better still, embark on a journey towards beardly glory. Think of all the great bearded men in history: Moses, Jesus, Santa Claus, Kenny Rogers. Who wouldn't want to be like them? Best of luck to you on your fantastic beardly voyage.

Dr Awesome

Manswer Wagon V

Thanks to everyone for their submissions to the maniversary giveaway contest of the stars. I'll keep taking submissions for a few more days, so there is still time to get your comments in. Meanwhile, Manswer Wagon V is ready to roll. Hopefully this wagon sequel will be incredible, like Star Wars Episode V (Empire Strikes Back) and not craptacular like Rocky V. Let's do this.

In your post about liking Women's athletics, you said "there are some man rules that you aren't allowed to violate even if terrorists are in the picture." What are some of these man rules/terrorist situations? Your insight would be greatly appreciated. Soli Deo Gloria, T.J.

TJ - Pretty much anything high on the dudefrontation scale is not something you can do even under threat from terrorists. This would include dudity issues, harming innocents, reading chick literature, hanging posters of kittens in your home or office, and so on. Again, you have to wonder what sort of terrorists would threaten to kill you unless you hang up kitten artwork. But to paraphrase William Wallace: if you hang the kitten posters you will live, and if you don't, you may die. But lying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days, from this day til then, for the chance to come back and tell the terrorists that they may take your life, but they will never MAKE YOU STARE AT KITTENS! What a great movie. Anyway, those are the sorts of things that aren't compromiseable.

My husband loves your blog so much that he laughs so hard he cries when he reads your posts. I can't help but think that isn't a very masculine thing to do. So when is it appropriate for a man to cry? Bethany

Bethany - Men can only cry at life-altering events. These include when their dog dies, when they see a movie where a dog dies*, anything related to a significant event with a spouse, child, close relative, or best friend, when the college they attended wins a BCS championship, and when they need to feign weakness for the purposes of lulling their adversaries into a false sense of security. Men cannot cry because of physical pain or because someone was mean to them. Crying as part of laughter is acceptable too, provided the joke was really funny and no animals were harmed.

*If you don't cry in Ol Yeller or Where The Red Fern Grows, you have no soul.

Hey I got this friend who is single, lives alone, and He drives a "Buick La Sabre." Is this guy really a man? The car has really soft seats, but He did point out that it has the same engine as the V6 Camero, which is bigger than the what Ford uses in the Mustang. He also noted that the trunk provides more dry storage for Guns & Ammo while leaving space for Fishing Gear, but He did let His Mom name His German Shepard after a flower. Joshua

Joshua - Men can drive Buick Le Sabres, or Buicks of any kind, only if those men were born prior to the Eisenhower administration. If you are not old and somewhat irritated by everything in the whole world, Buicks are not for you. Your friend tries to make a case for Buicks, but as soon as I saw that he has a German Shephard named something like Daffodil, I completely discounted every opinion your friend has. The ASPCA needs to rescue that dog from your friend and give it a new name before the dog commits ritual suicide.

Kudos on the blog. I'm a big fan. I have a question, I am from Britain and I was wondering if it is possible to be British and manly. Guns are banned here, hunting is the exclusive preserve of upper-class people called Tarquin, and in any case, is now not allowed to feature real quarry, and it is near impossible to buy Old Spice. As a British woman, I'm wondering if it is even possible to find a real British man - should I abandon all hope now and move to Australia? Katherine, UK

Katherine - Here is the sum total of my knowledge of British people, past and present: 1) things I learned in the movie Braveheart, which it should be obvious that I watched this weekend 2) things I learned by reading quotes from Winston Churchill (like when his secretary told him not to end sentences with prepositions, and he told her "that's the sort of nonsense up with which I will not put." Nice) 3) things I learned watching Bear Grylls on Man Vs Wild. Granted, only Bear Grylls is still around, so if you are looking for a romantic suitor I recommend finding out if he has any brothers or cousins. But yeah, I think Britian still has some manliness in there somewhere.

You implied a passion on this topic, so let me ask you, who would win the fight between Superman and Yoda? Matt

Matt - I've spent countless hours debating this. Yes, Superman is way faster and stronger than Yoda could ever hope to be, even as the baddest Jedi there is. But Yoda has one thing Superman doesn't...Jedi mind tricks. Yoda could just convince Superman to punch himself, for instance. Plus Superman continually gets outsmarted by Lex Luthor, a bald guy who doesn't even have any powers! Even so, Superman can't really be harmed unless there is kryptonite present. So in a fight, it would be a stale mate, with Yoda uselessly hacking with his light saber at a very strong and fast but very mentally unstable mind-tricked Superman. I think eventually Yoda would get tired of all the mind tricks, and then Superman would absolutely wear him out. Unless Yoda had planned ahead and made his light saber out of kryptonite, in which case Yoda would finish things in a couple of seconds. I think the real winner in this fight would be you and me, because it would be a glorious thing to behold.

I need to know how I should approach my hair delima. I'm a younger middle aged man who is balding. I have pleanty of hair around my head, just not on top. What would be the manly doo in my case? Shall I shave it all off, go with the #1 buz cut, or let it grow out to a pony tail? Thanks, Shawn in Bentonville, Ar

Shawn - Either of the first two options. Growing it out into a pony tail just gives your enemies something to grab. Bad idea. I personally think bald is the best choice. If you let it go bald, you could polish your head, and then at church or during meetings use the reflection to blind people in a hilariously wacky manner. Or if you get lost in the desert, it would make it easier for the search planes to spot you.

This is not a manquestion, but I was wondering what kind of women do real men want to marry? Thanks, Lynn

Lynn - Real men want real women. Not the fake plastic hoochies you see on TV who clearly have no respect for themselves. Real men actually want to make a commitment, want to dedicate themselves to loving and providing for a woman for the rest of their lives. If I'm a man like that, and I have to choose between a girl who is hot yet slutty with no depth of character, and a girl who is attractive physically, emotionally, spiritually, and who actually understands what it means to be a woman, I'd dedicate myself to pursuing the second girl. So if you are looking to attract a real man, be a real woman. Don't buy into what society tells you, because society is a massive train wreck. Love the Lord, love your neighbor, love yourself, and real men will notice. Hope that helps.

Another Manswer Wagon in the books. No, I didn't drop any "Luke, I'm your Father" bombshells, but hopefully this was a worthy part V sequel to the Manswer Wagons of yore.

Dr Awesome

1 YEAR MANIVERSARY!

Today is the one year maniversary of To Every Man A Manswer. I remember a little over a year ago, sitting on top of Mount Everest sharing a baggie of homemade jerky with my sherpa, thinking about the total lack of true manliness on the internet. I said to my sherpa that there are lots of sites that define being manly as getting drunk, getting laid, and various other shenanigans you'll probably see in Judd Apatow's next teen sex comedy. But there aren't that many that emphasize being testosteriffic while also respecting women and living a life of virtue. In response my sherpa just shrugged his shoulders, because the only English he knows is counting from 1 to 1000, which I taught him to help me keep count of my sit ups. That was the exact moment this blog was born in my mind, a site seeking to be the internet fusion of virtue and badicalness. I probably haven't always hit that goal, but at least that's what I'm striving for, to pick up my man-cross daily.

Of course I wouldn't even have a space on the net of interwebs if it weren't for you readers out there. Your questions and comments are the rocket fuel that keeps this thing in the air, and I'm very appreciative of each one of you. Especially those that have submitted question and left comments, but I'm thankful for even the lurkers as well. I think less than 0.5% of visitors have actually interacted in someway, but I will not mistake your silence as weakness. Silence is powerful. For example the products under Mrs Awesome's sink have never made a noise and to my knowledge are incapable of speaking, yet they haunt my dreams. My point is, though some of you readers may be silent, your presence is still felt. So thank you, everyone of you that's visited or chimed in along the way.

To show the depths of my gratitude, I've decided to have a give away. It's going to be really easy to participate and hopefully motivate some of you silent types to speak up and let your internet voice be heard. All you have to do is share in the comments section the manliest thing you've done in the past year. It could be anything from supercharging your Grandma's Lil Rascal scooter so that it shoots flames when she puts it in gear to climbing the Sears Tower with only a pair of suction cups. I will judge the responses and award the winner.

By now, I'm sure you're probably wondering what the prize will be. Considering the fact that I'm pretty small-time and don't have any corporate sponsors, it's going to be something paid for out of my own camouflage pockets: a stick of Old Spice deodorant, autographed by me. When I first told Mrs. Awesome about this give away prize, she asked "wait, you're still doing that Captain Awesome blog thing?" Ah, there is nothing like the support of a loving spouse. After I corrected her regarding my appropriate title, she said that some folks might not want Old Spice. I suppose that is true, there may be some badly confused folks out there who for inexplicable reasons wouldn't want some Old Spice. But, to show you I am man willing to compromise, I will give you a choice. You can choose either the autographed stick of Old Spice or the $3.59 that I would have spent on it. But let me warn you, if you choose the cash option, you will be disappointed when I make it to the big leagues and get my own Wikipedia page. You will get the internet thrashing of your internet life.

So lets hear it readers. What's the manliest thing you have done within the past 365 1/4 days?

Dr Awesome

Male Greetings Guide

Dr. Awesome,

I have a guy friend who like to hug. I don’t have any problems with hugging other men, as long as it is a “man hug”. But my friend’s hug is more like a “mom hug” where he leans in his head to touch mine. What is the proper etiquette for man hugs and how do I re-train my friend?

Roger

Roger,

Extra long manswer today, to make up for taking a couple of days off. I get a lot of questions from women these days, and I'm more than happy to manswer them. While I am a beacon of manliness shining like a city on a hill, I still like to keep the senoritas happy. But after manswering questions from the ladies, it's nice to come back to a question where I can stretch my testosterwings and fly like a raging pterodactyl of majesticalness. If you are wondering if this whole paragraph was just an excuse for me to work the word "pterodactyl" into a manswer, you are correct. I watched a show on the History Channel the other day about dinosaurs, and pterodactyls are pretty cool. I think there would be more songs about them, if English just had more words that rhymed with "pterodactyl." It's sort of like "orange," nothing rhymes with that either. Maybe one day I'll write a song about orange pterodactyls, and everyone's heads will explode.

Where was I? Oh yeah, manswering a man question. Today's question is a subject I've thought a lot about. What are the proper ways for men to greet each other? There are countless ways, everything from a tip of the hat or a military salute to the kiss kiss cheek cheek thing that they do in other countries. Today, though, I'd like to look at the most common physical greeting methods that I see on a day to day basis. And I'd like to share a new form of greeting that I'm working diligently to make popular. Notice the intricate drawings I have provided, done utilizing the latest Microsoft Paint image software. High tech. Now I realize this manswer is slightly larger in scope than what you asked Roger. But hopefully by the time I'm done, you'll know how to properly greet your buddy. Let's get started.

1) The hug. Popular among girls for many years, this has only recently become acceptable for men as well. But there are very strict rules governing how men can hug. You must first shake hands, then pull in for the hug. Your chests may make contact, but at no point should you put your head on each others' shoulders for a neck rub. Immediately after contact you MUST proceed to beat each other on the back with your free hand in a manly way until one of you is unconscious. The bludgeoning is essential, otherwise you are just two dudes rubbing on each other and that's unsettling. The only time two men can hug without beating each other is if you are hugging your dad or infant son, and even then a few violent whacks are helpful. Girls, on the other hand, can (and do) hug in any way at any time for any reason. Pay attention next time you see two girls shopping in the mall. One will find a sweater in her size, and they both will get so excited that they'll hug and jump up and down repeatedly, with little or no pounding on each others' backs. I've even seen Mrs Awesome hug her girlfriends on the way to the bathroom, as if they've accomplished something noteworthy by filling up their bladders. Why they hug so much, I have no idea...it's probably something to do with hormones or other girl things that I don't even want to know about. Regardless, girls hug all the time and guys only hug in very specific ways under very specific circumstances. Remember, at no time is it ok for one of the men to lean his head in. Male heads must not touch unless there is headbutting or CPR involved, and even in the latter case you have to ask yourself if the guy is worth saving. Anyway, because hugs let someone inside my defensive perimeter, they are not my favorite greeting. That leads us to...

2) The handshake. The preferred greeting of men and women everywhere in professional conditions. There are also some clear guidelines for handshaking. You must shake hands with your right hand unless you have a good reason to shake with your left, like your right hand being shot off in a war of some sort. Even then, you must announce why you are shaking with your left hand i.e. "Nice to meet you...I'm using my left and not right hand because I once shook hands with Chuck Norris and now my arm is paralyzed." Also, it is important to use the right amount of pressure when shaking hands. There is nothing more uncomfortable and pathetic than shaking a limp hand. It feels like you are grabbing a water balloon or perhaps some wet noodles. Cold, clammy, disgusting. But you can err on the other side and go too strong. We've all been on the receiving end of an overzealous handshake. Easy there, Captain of Crush...nobody is impressed by your forearm strength. Just be firm, but not too firm. Gentle and tender, yet mighty and rugged...that's the handshake I go for. My handshake says that I'm a lover and a fighter, that I'm just as at home taming the wilderness as I am in the arms of a woman. So I like handshakes for their professionalism and for what they communicate about my masculine wiles, but they do seem a little formal. To bust through the formality, we have...

3) The fist bump. These are pretty popular, since President Obama fist bumped his wife on national TV. This is a good maneuver for when highly infectious diseases are running rampant. I personally don't care for this greeting, though, because it seems like you are trying too hard to be hip and cool. If someone fist bumps you, I recommend that right after the bump occurs, you pull your hand back rapidly, flare out your fingers, and make an explosion noise. Now instead of trying to be hip, you are trying to be a dork. But real dork is better than fake cool, I think. Still, my preferred informal greeting is...

4) The high-five. I know of almost no other tool for breaking down more barriers of race, gender, or socio-economic status than this maneuver. By slapping open hands with your fellow man, you communicate levels of respect that almost no other gesture can come close to communicating. You can high-five an infant or the elderly, a homeless person or Bill Gates, a rapper or a country music legend, Kris Allen or Adam Lambert, Osama Bin Laden or the Pope. I can't really think of any situation that isn't made better by a timely high-five. Graduations, funerals...heck, instead of kissing the bride, what if the groom high-fived her? Some day, when my time on this earth is through, I'll stand in front of the throne, and Jesus will say "Well done my good and faithful servant" and with a holy high-five, I'll start chowing down on some doughnuts for like a thousand years. High-fives are the key to peace and prosperity, so I really like them. But as great as this gesture is, in my wisdom I invented one greater.

5) The exaltation. You've never heard of this gesture, because it isn't popular yet. But one day soon, it will usurp the fist bump and the high-five as the force that will unite humanity once and for all. Here's how it works. Let's say I'm meeting my friend. We first shake hands like normal. But before I let go, I hold onto his hand and lift it over his head like he just won the heavyweight title. With my other arm, I point towards him, and with a "check out this guy!" expression on my face I say "You, sir, are a champion." You might want to stop reading for a moment to soak in the majesty of this gesture. How awesome is this? Not only are you greeting someone in a professional way, but you are also lifting them up to heretofore unknown heights. You are building self-esteem. In a world full of broken people who often times can't find much about themselves to love, you are giving one person reason to think he/she is a champion. By performing the exaltation, you're changing the world, one life at a time. Jesus won't high-five me...He'll lift my arm up over my head, tell me I'm a champion (because I have been credited with his champion-ness), and then point me to the doughnuts. Now THAT is a greeting I can get behind.

So Roger, I hope somewhere in all that you got the manswer you were looking for. Admittedly I got carried away, but hopefully you've got something you can use to help your wayward friend greet you properly. And my biggest hope of all is that all of you will begin to greet one another with the exaltation, and goodness and prosperity will shine on us forever.

Dr Awesome